# Funeral/Wake Attire



## rgrossicone (Jan 27, 2008)

I have seen a few threads on this before, but its mostly been, "Can I wear a xyz suit to a funeral?" I am asking a little more specifically, "What do *you *wear to wakes and funerals?" Do you wear the same thing to the wake as you do the person's funeral, or do you mix it up so as not to be seen wearing the same thing on two consecutive days?

My grandmother's last surviving sibling just passed and its the end of their generation (my grandmother passed almost 10 years ago). Her sister completed a century for their generation, as their oldest sibling was born in August of 1908. My aunt was 91, and I want to wear something that would symbolize the greatness of that generation of Dondiego's, in other words, I want to look "right".

I will judge what I think is right based on my own opinion of course, as well as what you guys think is right for a funeral and wake. Thanks.

Rob


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## ToryBoy (Oct 13, 2008)

I wear the same thing (so anyway): 
Plain black suit, plain white shirt, plain black tie, black oxfords. 

For funerals, I like to keep everything plain - I would not even wear brogues.


It depends on the funeral as well, I think it is the Hindu culture (someone like TheGuyIsBack could confirm) that white is a funeral colour; there may be other cultures that have an association with a colour. 
It may also depend on the person who has passed away. If I had to go to Ozwald Boateng's funeral, as I sign of respect I would go for a colourful combo.


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## Kav (Jun 19, 2005)

Hindus may be pushing jews out of the diamond market, but , in spite of secular humanism and christianity being the one non taboo religion to insult in our PC climate, we have a American smorgasborg ( that's scandinavian, currie optional)of WAKE customs. Anthropologicaly, a ritual funeral is the proper trip of the soul to heaven, or it's equivelent. it is carefully conducted, usually somber.A wake, in balance is a HAPPY celebration of the life lived.
This is best expressed in the slow dirge music of a New Orleons jazz band going To the cemetary, followed by the WAKE music of joy and happiness for properly holding the ritual. 
In irish wakes, the cultural nuances go far back into pre roman celtic culture. The warrior is being sent to Tir Na Nog with loud warnings a hero is coming ( like the klingons howling at the moment of death) by the playing of music, laughter and pounding of heavy drinking ware on the table.
This act descends from the banging of swords on tables or shields, from the again act of warning, and with loud verbal shouts, formerly the celtic battlecry of ABU! or'be warned!' 
AKA 'watch your ass!' ABU gave us the modern word Hullabalu.
And it is done in more bright clothing as opposed to the somber funereal clours, which may be green, black,white or none depending on ethnicity.
So, what is your ethnic tradition, how would the departed have asked you to dress?
I'm ready for my breathalyzer now, can a Rabbi give it?


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## Gnslngr (Dec 2, 2008)

Kav said:


> Hindus may be pushing jews out of the diamond market.......I'm ready for my breathalyzer now, can a Rabbi give it?


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## ToryBoy (Oct 13, 2008)

Kav said:


> I'm ready for my breathalyzer now, can a Rabbi give it?


:crazy:

Andy, can I join you for 'gin followed by scotch, followed by a couple of beers, followed by gin'?


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## Kav (Jun 19, 2005)

I totally forgot to discuss black diamond cufflinks that look like a female genitalia in my discourse.


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## Gurdon (Feb 7, 2005)

My suggestions:
For the funeral I would wear a dark suit, preferably grey or dark blue, stripes subdued, if present. If you have a black suit that would work also. Dark plain tie, white shirt, black plain shoes, no pocket square, no jewelry except wedding band.

For the wake, depending on family standards, party clothes seem appropriate. I'd wear a dressy suit such as a two button peak lapel pin stripe, bright tie, smart shoes, pocket square stuffed loosely in the appropriate pocket, and a dressy shirt, preferably one with french cuffs so I could wear cufflinks. 

I have an especially trim and smart looking pair of Lobb brogued oxfords in a very dark burgandy that I enjoy wearing to parties. If I had a pair of Cleverley button boots, I'd wear them to a wake or other festive occasion. (I'd wear them as often as I could.)

Condolences,
Gurdon


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## deanayer (Mar 30, 2008)

I was actually poking around on the web for an answer and (I should have known this) most people are describing what to wear as being less formal than in the past (jeans!). After I had all I could take I realized the answer is either in the AAAC archives or nobody at some "fashion tips" site is going to have an answer. It would also be useless to consult a funeral director or organization because they only get the finished product coming through the door they dont influence it.

My suggestion:

Black, Grey or maybe dark Navy. I would avoid pin or chalk stripes, I would go for solids, I would wear shoes without any metal buckles, Something subdued and lace up, preferably black. I would go for an odd jacket and slacks, this would allow for a black jacket and grey slacks for example. A dark suit would be fine as well. I wouldn't wear any jewelry aside from a wedding ring if married and maybe a watch with a leather strap. Avoid gold, anything red, anything shiny etc. I think this is an occasion were fashion has to express humility, loss, etc. and not draw attention to the wearer. this event isn't about its attendants the focus is on the departed. I don't think there is any real difference between dress codes for the Wake and dress codes for the Funeral and afterwords. This is why doing a mix and match might give you more flexibility. 

Last thought:

I wouldn't wear an all black tie, I would wear one with black in it or black and grey and I would go for monochrome but PERSONALLY I think an all black tie is too much.


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

I wear a charcoal suit, white shirt, and dark tie. If I'm attending two gatherings on different days I wear a navy suit, white shirt, and dark tie to the other one.

For what it's worth people seem to be moving away from the black/all dark attire for visitations/wakes/funerals, at least men seem to be. By that I don't mean by dressing in bright, festive attire but rather just not so dark. I haven't noticed anybody taking this as a lack of respect. In fact, I attended the funeral of the wife of a local elected official last year and he was wearing a medium grey suit at the funeral.

Cruiser


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## JerseyJohn (Oct 26, 2007)

Dark suit, white shirt, dark (blue) tie, shined black leather-sole lace-up shoes. No double cuffs, no diamond studded watch.


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

R.G., I know you're a good man, and you have a lot of creativity and you still keep it looking good.

This is an emotional time, but I would be careful about making a statement with my attire at the funeral. I would say wear your nicest conservative suit, a nice white shirt and your nicest conservative tie (obviously this assumes the tie is a good color for the suit.)

This forum can make us all think a little bit too much about our clothing, especially for special situations. I think you want to make sure you are dressed tastefully, but that you basically fit in with the conservative nature of the funeral. Remember, you are there to help your family get through this moment in time and that is the most important task of the day.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.


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## rgrossicone (Jan 27, 2008)

forsbergacct2000 said:


> R.G., I know you're a good man, and you have a lot of creativity and you still keep it looking good.
> 
> This is an emotional time, but I would be careful about making a statement with my attire at the funeral. I would say wear your nicest conservative suit, a nice white shirt and your nicest conservative tie (obviously this assumes the tie is a good color for the suit.)
> 
> ...


Thanks forsberg...I'm thinking of a black suit (1 button-appropriate?) with a white shirt and somber Grey tie for the funeral.

For the wake I'm thinking Grey slacks, navy blazer and subtle blue striped shirt with a blue tie. I loved my aunt, and got fairly close to her as I began my family research after my grandmother passed (she was the last surviving relative). I'll probably be asked to speak as well (maybe I should have mentioned that) at the funeral, as I have in past family funerals.


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

That suit sounds fine. Remember, unless the forumites descend upon your family, you will probably be the only one who knows your suit only has one button.

If the wake is the same day as the funeral, I might just wear the suit to both places. If people notice that you change your clothes for the two events, it might distract (not necessarily detract) from what you are really doing.

Both outfits sound like good outfits.


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## Jovan (Mar 7, 2006)

I would get a two button to be safe. That will also make it a bit more flexible beyond a fashion-y black suit. (Then again, I guess the people here who despise narrow ties would tell me I was dressed inappropriately anyways.) The wake outfit sounds fine.

Sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends a few months ago and I'm still not over it.


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## Mike Petrik (Jul 5, 2005)

Funeral or wake: Solid navy or dark gray suit. White shirt. Black or very conservative subdued tie. Black AE Park Avenues. Perhaps a white linen pocket square.

This is the only forum where I would wear a black suit, but I can't see acquiring one just for funerals and wakes.


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## Blueboy1938 (Aug 17, 2008)

Never been to a wake, so I really don't know what I would do. Probably wear something less dark and formal to the wake, I suppose.

I have a couple of black suits, one with a subtle "black on black" pattern for funerals. I usually liven it up with a less somber tie.


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## Kav (Jun 19, 2005)

Did your aunt ever comment favourably on a suit or tie? Wear that.


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

I have a solid black suit that I bought specifically for wearing to funerals.

For some reason, people who buy esoteric formalwear on the off chance they're invited to dine with the King of Sweden on a national holiday find this to be odd.

The last funeral I attended was for a good friend whose family has lived in the area for over 200 years. A lady who was a mutual friend wore a black suit with a below-the-knee skirt, black gloves, and a black pillbox hat with a veil.

I could imaging the dearly departed laughing when he saw he dressed that way, then telling a story about how his mother would have been very impressed that someone did it "right."

Other female guests wore pastel _schmatte_ that my grandmother wouldn't have weeded her flower garden in.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

Rgrossicone: First, please accept my sincere condolences on your loss. It is never easy and can seem even more difficult, as we witness the passing of a generation. However, as you experience this grief, also look for joy in the wonderful human legacy your Great Aunt (and Grandmother) left with us!

Second, the attire which you have proposed for each event sounds fine. There are more important, more challenging things to be dealt with at this juncture of your life. Be there for your family/extended family and don't concern yourself so much with your clothes. I'm confident your presence and your words will serve to honor your Great Aunt, far more than your chosen 'threads' ever could.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


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## LaoHu (Sep 16, 2006)

Miket61 said:


> Other female guests wore pastel _schmatte_ that my grandmother wouldn't have weeded her flower garden in.


I had to look it up so I thought others might be interested. What a great word!

schmatte 
NOUN:*1.* A rag. *2.* An old or ragged garment. 
ETYMOLOGY:Yiddish _shmate_, from Polish _szmata_.


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

LaoHu said:


> I had to look it up so I thought others might be interested. What a great word!
> 
> schmatte
> NOUN:*1.* A rag. *2.* An old or ragged garment.
> ETYMOLOGY:Yiddish _shmate_, from Polish _szmata_.


My grandmother was the child of Polish immigrants, and this was one of the handful of words that she passed down. Another was _pierzyna_, prounounced with a silent _r_, which means blanket or duvet.


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