# Boutonniere at a funeral/memorial?



## Harry96 (Aug 3, 2005)

I'm going to a memorial service for a dear friend next month. I'm planning to wear a white miniature carnation in my left lapel. Would anyone consider this inappropriate? My intention was to add a little something to my outfit to commemorate a special event, not to unduly draw attention to myself. 

I need to buy the boutonniere book; I'm sure it has answers to questions like this.

If anyone is curious, the rest of my outfit will be a solid charcoal single-breasted suit, solid black tie, solid white shirt with french cuffs, black or white pocket square, and black cap-toes. 

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.


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## kitonbrioni (Sep 30, 2004)

It would seem that "The Rules" would not allow any display of the dandy at a funeral--except on the cadaver.


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## odoreater (Feb 27, 2005)

I think you can go one day without a boutonniere...or a pocket square for that matter.


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## mrchapel (Jun 21, 2006)

Definitely do NOT wear the boutonniere. You are not the focus of the day, despite your good intentions. By wearing the boutonniere you are in fact drawing attention to yourself.


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## Leon (Apr 16, 2005)

There are always flowers at funerals, and sometimes in buttonholes.
Here is an example at the funeral of Bruce Shand:



Leon


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

You are taking a big chance at really offending someone, even if they don't say anything to you. I would skip the flower.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

I cannot recall ever seeing anyone wear a flower at a funeral. The very thought has such a distastful ring to it.


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## Holdfast (Oct 30, 2005)

I like and occasionally wear boutonnierres but wearing one to a funeral is a tough call for reasons already mentioned.

However, you say this is for a very close friend. I tend to think you have more room for maneouvre the closer you are to the dearly departed. Also, you probably know how the family - if present - are likely to react to such a display (and whether they may be considering something similar themselves). It's a judgement call, but you're better placed to make it than we are. Traditionally, I don't think there should be anything to forbid it, but funerals/memorials are also about the family's wishes and feelings as well as tradition.

Personally, unless I knew the departed and their family exceptionally well, I would stick to the traditional look, with white linen pocket square folded square (and in this setting, if a lady cries, I would offer the square first, before the extra handkerchief in my pocket) but no boutonnierre.

YMMV, of course.


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## GBR (Aug 10, 2005)

IF

You normally wear one EVERY day and therefore it is part of you

IF

It is a Memorial Service not a funeral

IF

The man would have regarded himself as close to YOU - not the other way round

IF
You want to say 'Look at ME ' to those others present

THEN

Do so.

Otherwise it is a mark of disrespect I feel. Memorial services do not demand black - quite wrong - but they do require something slightly subdued. Coloured pocket square OK unless it is a NATIONAL services on the UK model but that should be the extent of it unless the family of the deceased has expressed a wish otherwise. If they say casual then casual it MUST be. 

Such services are there to offer comfort to the bereaved as much as the memory so in some circumstances casual is fine.


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## Harry96 (Aug 3, 2005)

Thanks for the replies. There seems to be a consensus growing here, and I'm leaning much more against it than I was before starting this thread. If it matters, he passed away in March and will have been gone for 5 1/2 months by the memorial. There will also be a reception afterwards.


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## AZTEC (May 11, 2005)

*A FLOWER IN A TEACUP*

A small white flower would be fine I think, especially if you often wear a flower. I would see it as a mark of formality and respect just as flowers are used at the ceremony itself. I find it highly unlikely someone would be so shallow as to take offense....haven't they got more pressing concerns to worry about? In the overall scheme of things, it's such a small (almost trivial) detail. If you yourself are overly preoccupied with it and it causes you to feel uncomfortable, then better not wear it.

AZTEC


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