# Funeral Advice



## Bespoken For (Nov 29, 2007)

So, I don't have a black suit <ducks objects being thrown at head>, and I have to attend a funeral very shortly.

I'm 24, and the only suit I own is a charcoal pinstripe (having never really needing a suit previously). I'd like to buy a nice new black suit, however, I'm trying to save for Graduate School starting this fall and therefore money is ridiculously tight.

I'm wondering if I should just get a new black suit (on the super cheap), or wear the charcoal with a black tie, or perhaps just wear some black pants, a black v-neck, and a white dress shirt with black tie underneath.

Thoughts or advice?


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## obiwan (Feb 2, 2007)

I personally would pass on the black suit, if you have the money to spend buy a nice charcoal suit without pin stripes. A charcoal suit will serve you well into the future for job interviews, after hours events, weddings, funerals etc.

It is a wardrobe staple for all fine dressed men.

If you wear the pin striped charcoal suit, I would pair it with a white shirt and a subdued burgundy or navy tie, trending towards a solid, as long as the suit is not a chalk stripe.


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## M6Classic (Feb 15, 2008)

I should think that a charcoal pinstripe over a white shirt and a relatively somber tie would be perfectly acceptable kit for a funeral, even for the chief mourner. Attendees generally cut one a great deal of slack at funerals. If you are not a member of the mourning family, it is unlikely that you will draw much attention at all if your attire is within some pretty broad boundaries. I say go with what you've got and save your money.

That said, if you _really_ want to buy a black suit and just need an excuse, well, a funeral is about as good an excuse as you're going to get short of a one-man show at a major New York art gallery.

Buzz


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

I think the suit you have, with a white shirt and dark tie, is fine.


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## Bird's One View (Dec 31, 2007)

Wear something you already have. I'd go with the charcoal pinstriped suit, white shirt, and black necktie.


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## Bespoken For (Nov 29, 2007)

Thanks for the replies so quickly!

I wasn't sure if the charcoal pinstripe would be 'poor form', but your replies have assured me that I probably won't be disrespecting any family members.

The jacket is actually out for some tailoring now, so hopefully it will be back in time for the funeral, but if not I'll just make do with what I have.

Cheers


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## tasteful one (Oct 6, 2006)

*Yes, a grey suit is fine.*

Funerals are not the time to break out the fancy stuff and make a design statement! Anyone who actually owns a black suit for funerals is really too precious to be taken seriously, anywas. Most guys wear soemthing somber and respectful (no pocket square, Something IS missing), white shirt, dark tie. The point is to be emotionally available to the bereaved and to be present for the send off. As long as your choices don't distract from this, you're fine.


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## Kav (Jun 19, 2005)

Funerals worldwide share a forgotten function. They are as much for the lving as the deceased. We recognise the passing of another human as a time of change aim our own lives; a providing father is honoured by a son taking over as head of the family.Or, a group literally destroys all possessions in a sign of the extreme loss and may very well perish as a group to join the departed. So, one must ask. Will you show respect by dressing your best and guard your own future viability as a productive member of society, or will you smash your possesssions ( finances) and possibly starve before the Caribou herds pass by again? I would wear what you have.


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## wgb (Mar 2, 2007)

Were it me, I would wear the charcoal suit, white shirt and black tie.


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## brokencycle (Jan 11, 2008)

Bespoken For said:


> Thanks for the replies so quickly!
> 
> I wasn't sure if the charcoal pinstripe would be 'poor form', but your replies have assured me that I probably won't be disrespecting any family members.
> 
> ...


The last funeral I went to people showed up in torn and paint covered jeans. Through that lens just about any suit would not be disrespectful.


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

Dark suit, white shirt, dark, conservative tie - black might be a little theatrical, but I would not rule it out.


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

I think much too much is made of what one "should" wear to a funeral. Any dark suit will be fine. It won't really matter if it is pinstriped or not. Just pair it with a white shirt and subdued tie.

Although I have a black suit, I wouldn't suggest going out and buying one just to wear to funerals because most of the people I see at funerals are wearing charcoal or navy suits. I have never worn my black suit to a funeral, opting instead for charcoal. The black suit gets worn only for night time social occasions with an open collared shirt. I really consider it to be dressy casual wear.

Cruiser


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## TheWardrobeGirl (Mar 24, 2008)

You will be fine with the suit you have...I would recommend getting a good navy solid and/or a good dark grey/charcoal solid prior to investing in a new black suit if you are on a budget (I think they are more versatile).

Sorry about your funeral


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## GBR (Aug 10, 2005)

There is absolutely no need whatever to wear a black suit at a funeral. If it ever was in date, it is out now!


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## gng8 (Aug 5, 2005)

I wore a dark charcoal suit with a dark but striped tie, white pocket square and black shoes to a funeral and was mistaken by two groups for one of the funeral directors.


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## Midnight Blue (Apr 22, 2007)

I wore a charcoal pinstripe suit with dark navy tie to my uncle's funeral and it looked appropriately formal and respectful (especially compared to his teenaged grandkids who showed up in untucked shirts and running shoes).


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## damon54 (Dec 12, 2007)

I am more sensitive to this subject than ever in my past.

Last funeral I went to was at the behest of some very new friends that had the misfortune of having a late term stillborn child.

Tragic & odd circumstances to be sure. The suit of my choosing seemed not appropriately somber to me at the time.

Prior to this I went to the service for a Holocaust survivor that I had grown up next door to as a child. I had very fond memorys of Mr. Fried and his wife but know next to nothing about the Jewish Faith & socially correct behavior at such an event.

Despite the fact that I was standing next to my father a gentleman made his way over to me on 2 seperate occasions and placed a kippah on my head. This left me very much perplexed since I am not of that faith & thought this to be obvious. I meant no disrespect, in fact my intent was the polar opposite. Twice I removed the Kippah & held it in my hand.


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## Mike Petrik (Jul 5, 2005)

damon54 said:


> I am more sensitive to this subject than ever in my past.
> 
> Last funeral I went to was at the behest of some very new friends that had the misfortune of having a late term stillborn child.
> 
> ...


In my experience a kippah is often worn for such occasions by gentiles as well Jews. A gentile shows no disrespect by wearing a kippah; it signifies respect and solidarity in these instances, not that you're a MOT. You are considerate to have been sensitive, but in this case you should have been more receptive to the guidance of the gentlemen. While you didn't mean to, you actually showed more disrespect by not observing the custom. Wearing a kippah is not comparable to Catholic Holy Communion, which is reserved to Catholics in the state of grace. 
I'm not an expert, but this is based on my experiences with observant Jewish friends.


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## Midnight Blue (Apr 22, 2007)

damon54 said:


> Prior to this I went to the service for a Holocaust survivor that I had grown up next door to as a child. I had very fond memorys of Mr. Fried and his wife but know next to nothing about the Jewish Faith & socially correct behavior at such an event.
> 
> Despite the fact that I was standing next to my father a gentleman made his way over to me on 2 seperate occasions and placed a kippah on my head. This left me very much perplexed since I am not of that faith & thought this to be obvious. I meant no disrespect, in fact my intent was the polar opposite. Twice I removed the Kippah & held it in my hand.


Despite your intentions, your actions were indeed disrepectful. Just as a person of any faith would remove their shoes before entering a mosque, regligious etiquette requires that a man of any faith wear a kippah (yarmulke) when attending a Jewish service.


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## Mike Petrik (Jul 5, 2005)

I agree with the general sentiment of the foregoing posts. A black suit is wholly unnecessary, and may not even be all that preferable in that it is often associated more with nightclubbing than serious matters. While a solid dark gray or navy might be just a tad preferable to pinstripes (pinstripes are more associated with business), a dark conservative pinstripe suit is perfectly proper when paired with a subdued tie. I think tasteful one's idea of avoiding a pocket square, while not necessary, is a nice touch. I own a black necktie that gets use only for funerals, but any subdued tie would do just fine.


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## Mike Petrik (Jul 5, 2005)

gng8 said:


> I wore a dark charcoal suit with a dark but striped tie, white pocket square and black shoes to a funeral and was mistaken by two groups for one of the funeral directors.


That's funny, but funeral directors know the proper conventions, whereas sadly many people do not. You just looked like a person who knew what you were doing, that's all.


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

Midnight Blue said:


> Despite your intentions, your actions were indeed disrepectful. Just as a person of any faith would remove their shoes before entering a mosque, regligious etiquette requires that a man of any faith wear a kippah (yarmulke) when attending a Jewish service.


Still, it pays to look around and see what the drill is. A few years ago, I went to a ceremony for a Jewish man I'd known a little, at a Jewish funeral home. Dan was very proud of being Jewish, but more as an identifier than any religious marker. There were indeed a collection of loaners at the door and my wife (former resident of Queens) was giving me an evil look for not wearing one. I, being taller, however, had noticed that _none _of the family were. So who was I to be more Jewish than they were?


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## Midnight Blue (Apr 22, 2007)

Concordia said:


> I, being taller, however, had noticed that _none _of the family were. So who was I to be more Jewish than they were?


I'm afraid that's missing the point. The real question in this situation would have been "who was I to be more respectful than they were?"


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

It's all about sending signals. If the people closest to the departed and in the best position to make a judgment of this kind don't want to hold a no-holds-barred Jewish funeral, I'm not going to gum up the works. In this case, a Yarmulke would have been only useful as a sign of respect for the family if they had found it meaningful. It is not otherwise what I would wear to show respect in a secular setting (which, apart from the ownership and patronage, this funeral home was).


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## Relayer (Nov 9, 2005)

Midnight Blue said:


> Despite your intentions, your actions were indeed disrespectful. Just as a person of any faith would remove their shoes before entering a mosque, regligious etiquette requires that a man of any faith wear a kippah (yarmulke) when attending a Jewish service.


I disagree somewhat on this point.

From what I infer, D54 did not know that wearing the kippah was expected of non-Jews. The man who put it on his head should have explained this to him. If he did not, then his actions were actually more more disrespectful than D54's.

D54's actions might well be interpreted as disrespectful, but were, in reality, simple ignorance of the Jewish custom.


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## M6Classic (Feb 15, 2008)

Relayer said:


> I disagree somewhat on this point.
> 
> From what I infer, D54 did not know that wearing the kippah was expected of non-Jews. The man who put it on his head should have explained this to him. If he did not, then his actions were actually more more disrespectful than D54's.
> 
> D54's actions might well be interpreted as disrespectful, but were, in reality, simple ignorance of the Jewish custom.


I would try to be understanding of D54's dilemma, the rules are not always clear. For instance, at Sabbath morning services, Jewish men are expected to wear a kippah _and_ a prayer shawl while non-Jewish men are expected to wear a kippah but _forbidden_ to wear a prayer shawl. At Sabbath evening services, nobody wears a prayer shawl unless they are handling the Torah, the scrolls of the five books of Moses, in which case it is mandatory. If I were D54 and someone twice gave me a kippah, I would have kept it on, but every religous practice has its own obscure regulations and I know I would be at a loss at a Zoroastrian funeral or Hindu right of passage. Even between sects of Jews...and there are many...the rules differ. In most congregations, those who have had a bar mitzvah ceremony wear a prayer shawl. However, in some extremely observant synagogues, you don't wear a shawl until you are married so that it is easier for the mothers and match-makers to spot bachelors in the congregation. Go figure. The Lord seems quite tolerant of these differences and we should be, too.

Buzz


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## ksinc (May 30, 2005)

If you pick something up, go with a solid, dark charcoal gray over black. You will find a lot more uses for it; particularly during and after graduate school. Get a black grenadine tie for social events and a Burgundy BB#1 for interviews. White shirt; always.

I personally believe these items are more important than a blue blazer. 

One solid gray and one gray pinstripe suit will carry you far into the future.


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## Tim Correll (Jul 18, 2005)

Bird's One View said:


> Wear something you already have. I'd go with the charcoal pinstriped suit, white shirt, and black necktie.


Ditto.


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## Tim Correll (Jul 18, 2005)

wgb said:


> Were it me, I would wear the charcoal suit, white shirt and black tie.


Same here.

As far as tailored clothing is concerned, black is for tuxedos, tailcoats, morning coats, formal odd vests and formal overcoats.

I wouldn't even wear a black overcoat with any of my tailored dress clothing much less a black suit, sportsjacket, odd vest or a black pair of dress pants.

However, I swear on black dress shoes anytime I wear tailored dress clothing and other dress clothing that is not tailored with any amount of gray in it.

FWIW, I think black suits are terribly inappropriate for wakes, memorial services and funerals due to being too flashy or too informal, insufficiently dressy and too much the opposite of too fancy.


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## Tim Correll (Jul 18, 2005)

jackmccullough said:


> I think the suit you have, with a white shirt and dark tie, is fine.


+1. IMO, a somber looking black tie with a one color contrasting basic, simple and subtle and pattern in white would be the most suitable by far for a wake, memorial service and funeral.


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## Tim Correll (Jul 18, 2005)

obiwan said:


> I personally would pass on the black suit, if you have the money to spend buy a nice charcoal suit without pin stripes. A charcoal suit will serve you well into the future for job interviews, after hours events, weddings, funerals etc.
> 
> It is a wardrobe staple for all fine dressed men.
> 
> If you wear the pin striped charcoal suit, I would pair it with a white shirt and a subdued burgundy or navy tie, trending towards a solid, as long as the suit is not a chalk stripe.


Once again, I strongly agree 100%.


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## Tim Correll (Jul 18, 2005)

*Very, very strongly take everybody's advice here on what to wear to a funeral,.....*

Bespoken For.

BTW, I am very sorry about the death of this person that you were close to (whoever he or she was).


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