# Pallbearer



## jimw (May 4, 2009)

This past week, my college room mate passed away quite suddenly at the age of 48. I've been asked by his widow to serve as a pallbearer for his funeral this coming Monday.

My question is this - without seeming trite or insensitive, should I buy a black suit for the occasion, or should I simply keep my outfit respectfully sombre?I don't own a suit of any sort, as I tend towards blazers and sports coats. What I was thinking of was a blue blazer, grey wool flannels, grey socks, black wingtips, blue shirt and blue tie. I feel bad for even asking - this is not about me, and it seems vain that the question should even come to my mind. 

I had served as best man at my friend's wedding, some 20 years ago, and this has been hard on me. Even though family and life has made it so we only saw each other periodically, we nonetheless fell into easy camaraderie on those occasions when we could catch up

Thanks for giving me a gut check on this.

Jim


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## CMDC (Jan 31, 2009)

Sorry about your loss.

Because there will be several pallbearers, I think they key question will be what they are wearing. If you go with a suit and everyone else is in blazers and charcoal pants, you'll probably be self conscious about standing out and vice versa. Don't know if you know any of them but I'd try to find out what their plans are. As long as you're all dressed similarly, that would seem to be the best course.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I am sorry for your loss. As to what to wear... Regardless of what anyone else is doing, I truly think the only appropriate attire for a funeral, regardless of one's role, is a suit. Blazer and trousers just seems much too casual for this kind of thing. A charcoal grey would be appropriate, with a light-blue or white shirt and plain black tie.


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## arkirshner (May 10, 2005)

You will not get a suit properly altered in time. (if you could it should be solid navy or charcoal). You can get a white shirt and solid black tie to wear with your blazer, gray trousers and black shoes.


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## hardline_42 (Jan 20, 2010)

My condolences on your loss. If purchasing a suit is an option, I would suggest something in charcoal instead of black. It will be entirely appropriate for the occasion and much more useful in general. A suit would be a better choice than a sport coat and trousers, but if a suit isn't possible, a dark, solid sport coat with grey flannels is probably ok. Go for a white shirt instead of blue and a simple, dark tie.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Actually, I'll back off a bit on my position. I can see that a dark sport coat and grey flannels would be fine. Again, as mentioned above, it probably also depends on the other pallbearers. If they are all in suits, you don't want to stick out as the only one in a sport coat and trousers.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

jimw said:


> This past week, my college room mate passed away quite suddenly at the age of 48. I've been asked by his widow to serve as a pallbearer for his funeral this coming Monday.
> 
> My question is this - without seeming trite or insensitive, should I buy a black suit for the occasion, or should I simply keep my outfit respectfully sombre?I don't own a suit of any sort, as I tend towards blazers and sports coats. What I was thinking of was a blue blazer, grey wool flannels, grey socks, black wingtips, blue shirt and blue tie. I feel bad for even asking - this is not about me, and it seems vain that the question should even come to my mind.
> 
> ...


I think you'll be fine, although I would suggest a white shirt and a tie with black in it. Funerals aren't, or should not be, fashion-plate affairs. And funerals are not what they used to be--it's not uncommon to see people in jeans and t-shirts. You are obviously a good friend of the deceased, and since you are a good friend, I would think that the family knows that you are not a suit type. What you wear is not nearly so important as your presence. Condolences on the loss.


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## ncundertaker (Apr 18, 2012)

Hi Jim,

First of all, sorry for the loss of your friend. I would suggest either a solid black or dark solid blue suit with a white dress shirt and black wingtips. With the black suit, you should wear black socks and a black belt. For a tie, I would suggest either a solid silver tie or a silver houndstooth tie. With a blue suit, wear blue socks and a black belt. For a tie, I like a dark burgundy print or a solid light blue tie. To top off your appearance, a simple white linen or silk pocket square folded will add a nice touch. Just suggestions. Being a funeral director, I wear black suits all the time and this is an occasion where you should look your best. 

Jeff


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## Nobleprofessor (Jul 18, 2014)

Im very sorry to hear about your friend. If you can find a suit in time, I would try to get a suit. Not many agree with me, but I think a black suit is most appropriate for a funeral especially in your capacity as a pallbearer. However, it is also very acceptable to wear a dark Navy or charcoal grey suit. The shirt and tie should WHITE and the tie very dark and simple. Either suit color should be paired with Black socks, black belt, and black shoes. 

This is only my opinion. So take it for what it's worth. Unfortunately funerals for friends, business associates, and family are a reality we have to face as we age. Therefore, the purchase of a dark suit will (unfortunately) be useful.


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## EclecticSr. (Sep 21, 2014)

jimw said:


> This past week, my college room mate passed away quite suddenly at the age of 48. I've been asked by his widow to serve as a pallbearer for his funeral this coming Monday.
> 
> My question is this - without seeming trite or insensitive, should I buy a black suit for the occasion, or should I simply keep my outfit respectfully sombre?I don't own a suit of any sort, as I tend towards blazers and sports coats. What I was thinking of was a blue blazer, grey wool flannels, grey socks, black wingtips, blue shirt and blue tie. I feel bad for even asking - this is not about me, and it seems vain that the question should even come to my mind.
> 
> ...


My condolences. As I had expressed a few weeks back in a similar thread, a funeral is not a fashion parade or a runway presentation. Just replace the blue shirt for white, a dark blue solid tie if you have one, or solid black. What will be remembered is your presence and not likely your attire as you would be decently dressed. However, if you have the time to purchase and tailor a suit, let it be a dark grey.


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## Andy (Aug 25, 2002)

Sorry, what a too-early loss! When you do get a suit, go for navy or charcoal which are much more versatile than black.


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## shadoman (Jun 8, 2014)

All of the clothing discussed so far fits the bill for a modern funeral. People, in general, as not as somber as they once were, and as long as you are dressed nicely, it will be appropriate. My only suggestion would be to wear your school tie ( if your school had one, and you still own it,) as homage to your friend.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

shadoman said:


> All of the clothing discussed so far fits the bill for a modern funeral. People, in general, as not as somber as they once were, and as long as you are dressed nicely, it will be appropriate. *My only suggestion would be to wear your school tie* ( if your school had one, and you still own it,) as homage to your friend.


What an outstanding idea. I think this is the best post yet.


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## Nobleprofessor (Jul 18, 2014)

shadoman said:


> All of the clothing discussed so far fits the bill for a modern funeral. People, in general, as not as somber as they once were, and as long as you are dressed nicely, it will be appropriate. My only suggestion would be to wear your school tie ( if your school had one, and you still own it,) as homage to your friend.


Thats a nice touch. Unless it's a super loud purple tie with a giant POWERCAT logo or something similar. In that case, go dark and simple.


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## shadoman (Jun 8, 2014)

Nobleprofessor said:


> Thats a nice touch. Unless it's a super loud purple tie with a giant POWERCAT logo or something similar. In that case, go dark and simple.


Precisely. Nothing garish.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

Just caught a segment on the history of mourning clothes on CBS. They pointed out that Prince Charles wore a navy suit (with black tie) to Diana's funeral. The rationale was, it was her favorite suit.

The tipping point, according to the program, was World War One. Prior to then, folks always wore black, and for extended periods of time (for women, it lasted years; for men, four months was considered appropriate). The sheer loss of life during the Great War pretty much did away with the custom--so many people wearing black for so long would have been overwhelming.

So long as it's dignified and appropriately somber, OP should be fine.


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## vpkozel (May 2, 2014)

32rollandrock said:


> Just caught a segment on the history of mourning clothes on CBS. They pointed out that Prince Charles wore a navy suit (with black tie) to Diana's funeral. The rationale was, it was her favorite suit.
> 
> The tipping point, according to the program, was World War One. Prior to then, folks always wore black, and for extended periods of time (for women, it lasted years; for men, four months was considered appropriate). The sheer loss of life during the Great War pretty much did away with the custom--so many people wearing black for so long would have been overwhelming.
> 
> So long as it's dignified and appropriately somber, OP should be fine.


Didn't it also have something to do mostly with spouses and signaling an appropriate amount of time before being "available"? I can't imagine that it related to children or friends, because no one would have every worn anything BUT black. People forget that it was not very long ago that death in childbirth was not uncommon, and losing a child to disease before 7-8 was even more frequent.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

vpkozel said:


> Didn't it also have something to do mostly with spouses and signaling an appropriate amount of time before being "available"? I can't imagine that it related to children or friends, because no one would have every worn anything BUT black. People forget that it was not very long ago that death in childbirth was not uncommon, and losing a child to disease before 7-8 was even more frequent.


Yes, I should have mentioned that. It is, or was, spouses.


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## Chi (Feb 15, 2009)

I have been a pallbearer multiple times (unfortunately). You do NOT need to buy a black suit for the occasion. Any dark suit or coat/slacks combo will work. A funeral is not a fashion event. No one will notice that you are wearing a navy coat and charcoal trousers.

Sorry for your loss.


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## Travel57 (Apr 23, 2014)

I always say the only time I ever wear black is to a funeral. If you don't already have a black suit, I wouldn't buy one just for one event. Wear a dark charcoal or navy. 

In the end, no one will notice anything about the outfit anyway.


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## jimw (May 4, 2009)

Thanks for the input, all. In the end, I wore what was appropriate and respectful, but that really wasn't in the least bit important. All those in attendance came to mourn my friend, and the people wearing jeans and a windbreaker bore grief as palpable as anyone else. He was the coach to his HS football team, and it was humbling to see how much he meant to his community, as well as the 45 players who came to honour their coach.

Though I like being a bit of a clotheshorse, its useful to remind myself that in many instances it doesn't make a lick of difference, and my vanity be damned. There are much bigger things in this life than my questioning whether a black tie can go with a blue blazer. I only hope to be paid a fraction of the homage that this man had when my time comes.

Cheers,

Jim


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

jimw said:


> Thanks for the input, all. In the end, I wore what was appropriate and respectful, but that really wasn't in the least bit important. All those in attendance came to mourn my friend, and the people wearing jeans and a windbreaker bore grief as palpable as anyone else. He was a the coach to his HS football team, and it was humbling to see how much he meant to his community, as well as the 45 players who came to honour their coach.
> 
> Though I like being a bit of a clotheshorse, its useful to remind myself that in many instances it doesn't make a lick of difference, and my vanity be damned. *There are much bigger things in this life than my questioning whether a black tie can go with a blue blazer.*
> 
> ...


So very true. And thanks for letting us know how it turned out.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

^^Amen to that and very well said. It is good to keep things in proper perspective! May your friend rest in peace and may you find peace.


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## MythReindeer (Jul 3, 2013)

You have my condolences, Jim. You seem to have honored your friend quite admirably, and that is all one can do.

I had a similar experience as a pallbearer at my grandmother's funeral--I left my suit at home, in another state. I had a navy blazer in the car and a department store gave me a passable pair of trousers. My grandmother would occasionally cluck over the declining decorum generally seen but was no stickler for any particular set of rules. She appreciated when someone gave the effort to "look put together," as she phrased it. So I did that, and knew she would have appreciated it.


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