# Military jokes



## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Charlie a new retired Greeter at B&Q just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. He was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, clearly demonstrating their ''Older Person Friendly'' policies.

One day the boss called Charlie into the office for a chat.

"I have t o tell you I like your work ethic, you do a great job but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

''Yes, I know boss and I am working on it''

Well you are a team player and that's what I want to hear. It's odd though you coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late?

''Good morning Admiral can I get you a coffee, Sir''


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

All the gals will love this one...








​

*While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

A MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' * 








​

*'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'. 'It's The Box Office.' *


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

*Military rules - by Service*
*
Marine Corps Rules: *
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 
3. Have a plan. 
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends&#8230; 
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4." 
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. 
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

*Navy SEAL's Rules: *
1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 
2. Kill every living thing within view. 
3. Adjust speedo. 
4. Check hair in mirror.

*
US Army Rangers Rules: *
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 
2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing. 
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

*US Army Rules: *
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 
3. Curse bitterly. 
4. Curse bitterly. 
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed. 
6. Curse bitterly.

*
US Air Force Rules: *
1. Have a cocktail. 
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 
3. See what's on HBO. 
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?" 
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation. 
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives. 
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally. 
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time. 
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

*US Navy Rules: *
1. Go to Sea. 
2. Drink Coffee. 
3. Deploy Marines


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

This is my favorite.:icon_smile_big:


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

"The box office" :icon_smile_big:


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

Five Most Dangerous things to say in the Army.:icon_smile_big:

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..." 
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..." 
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..." 
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..." 
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

*Rules of the Air*​ 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. :icon_smile_big:


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh!t out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"


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## Peak and Pine (Sep 12, 2007)

This is really good stuff from The Earl, Asterix, Zach and Cruiser. Am thoroughly enjoying this. Keep it up.

My short offering is actually a true story:

President Lyndon Johnson was reviewing the troops at some enormous US Military base full of soldiers, tanks, planes and assorted material. At the end of the review, preparing to leave, he turned and headed for the wrong helicopter. The young lieutenant accompanying him said, "Excuse me, sir, this is your helicopter over here", to which Johnson replied, "Son, these are _all_ mah helicopters."​


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

Ok. Here's another one.

Recruits got a shock when their Air Force basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask. From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?" "Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!" 
:icon_smile_big:


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

*Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel*

*Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel*

Subject: Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel

Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:


The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.
When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.
Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
(GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.
Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.
What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
"Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!
Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy) etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Could get your ass kicked.
Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.


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## Peak and Pine (Sep 12, 2007)

Deal me out. It's turned political.​


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

Marine bumper sticker.:icon_smile_big:


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

*Giving very odd excuses*

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." :icon_smile_big:


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

*Misunderstanding terms*

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. :icon_smile_big:


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)




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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

*Giving sad news to a troop*

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!":icon_smile_big:


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

Three military Docs were sitting at the Bar, arguing about which had the best job.
.....the Air Force Doc said, I love operating on airmen. When you cut them open, they are color coded on the inside and you just have to match the colors of the parts!
.....the Army Doc said, it's even easier to operate on an Army Grunt. The lessons in our training manuals are prepared as cartoons. Learning the surgical procedure is like reading your favorite comic book!
.....the Navy medic, rumored to have been a fellow who they called Cruiser (details added under the authority granted by literary license!), said; operating on marines is easiest of all. They have just two moving parts, the mouth and the a**hole, and they are surgically and functionally interchangeable! 

PS: Thank gawd for the anonymity of the cyber-world! :crazy:


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat. :icon_smile_big:


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## Kurt N (Feb 11, 2009)

^
17. Tracers point both ways.

Also:

Most officers are stupid and lazy. A few are smart and hard-working; they make good staff officers. Those who are smart and lazy are fit to be generals. Avoid at all costs those who are stupid and hard-working!

(Heard as a joke, but apprently it was originally a semi-serious observation by a German general: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_von_Hammerstein-Equord)


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Asterix said:


> *Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel*
> 
> Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).


Very true! My honest answer though, no matter how matter of factly I said it, always seemed to be received as slightly sarcastic :icon_smile_wink:, "No, I didn't fly a plane. I wasn't even regularly close to aircraft and rarely got in them. I was in the RAF Regiment, which has landrovers, lorries, tanks, APCs and also Rapier missiles for shooting down aircraft" :icon_smile:


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

The RAF Regiment's in-house code of conduct towards the rest of the RAF :icon_smile_wink: as told to me by an old Gunner:

1. If it moves, salute it
2. If it doesn't move, paint it white 
3. If it isn't nailed down, steal it :icon_smile_big:


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Howard said:


>


WTF!!!


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## ajo (Oct 22, 2007)

Earl of Ormonde said:


> Charlie a new retired Greeter at B&Q just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
> 
> Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. He was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, clearly demonstrating their ''Older Person Friendly'' policies.
> 
> ...


This must be doing the rounds I received it this morning in my mail from a retired Lt Colonel. Mind you when I worked with him, his reason for working at his age 74 was to pay off the 3rd wife.:icon_smile_big:


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

RAF Regt in Iraq doing some terrible American accents..those of them that tried...half of them didn't bother! :icon_smile_big:


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## LilacCords (Apr 28, 2009)

A bit sexist - but true and I like it....

My dad was in the Army inc. the SAS etc. for over 25 years - He got into trouble on a number of occasions for refusing to salute Female officers :icon_smile_wink:


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

Girl And Her New Army Boyfriend
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last
night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."

"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"


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## ajo (Oct 22, 2007)

*Over here over paid and over sexed*

True story;Sydney 1942

The State Theatre Bambi is playing to a packed house. Bambi 'Mother, mother where is my mother.'

Digger jumps up and booms out 'she's gone off with a bloody yank love'

Whole theatre erupts in laughter.


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Howard said:


> Girl And Her New Army Boyfriend
> The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
> me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last
> night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
> ...


What?


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

ajo said:


> True story;Sydney 1942
> 
> The State Theatre Bambi is playing to a packed house. Bambi 'Mother, mother where is my mother.'
> 
> ...


Brilliant! I'm sure similar scenes occurred in GB as well.


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## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!" :icon_smile_big:


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## Apatheticviews (Mar 21, 2010)

You heard about the soldier who did the Army of one commercial? He got kicked out for some transgression. The army is now wishing they had an Army of Two....


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

HA!!

We called that "hand to gland combat!!"


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## Apatheticviews (Mar 21, 2010)

When I was a young Marine (a Corporal), I heard the company clerk (a Sergeant) instructing a few younger Marines about cleaning the head (what the Army calls Latrines). He pointed to a toilet and said:

"Private, this is your head. You will clean this daily. It will be immaculate. I want it so clean that YOU will be willing to eat off it. And if you do a good job at this, some day ALL of this can be yours!" As he motions to the entire bathroom. 

At this point, I made a quick exit, because I was about to die laughing.


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## Kurt N (Feb 11, 2009)

Earl of Ormonde said:


> What?


I think there's a line missing... The therapist asks, "Active?" meaning "Is he a reservist or is he on active duty?"


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