# Tell me a joke. Jokes are good.



## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Topic's in the title. Go for it, gentlemen! :icon_smile:



Kind Regards,

Chase


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... 

"Grandpa! - Go home! You're drunk."


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

:icon_cheers:

*Great*, Cruiser. Tell us another one! :icon_smile_big:

--Chase


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

A gentleman goes in for the final fitting of his bespoke suit. He's not pleased.

"The hem of the coat slants upward from the back," he said.

"Oh, sir, that's because you're standing up so straight. One doesn't normally stand like that. Try relaxing your shoulders and leaning forward a bit."

Then he noticed one sleeve was too long.

"Sir, if you wouldn't mind raising your right shoulder a bit. There, that squares it out across the back as well. Perfect!"

The gentleman took a walk around the room to see how the pants felt.

"They pull a little bit when I walk."

"Sir, when one is wearing a bespoke suit, one doesn't take such broad steps. Try taking shorter steps and you'll see there isn't a problem."

A few days later, the gentleman wears his new suit for the first time. He's going down the street, hunched over, one shoulder higher than the other, taking small shuffling steps... a couple see him from across the street.

"What do you suppose is wrong with that poor man?" the lady asks.

Her husband responds, "I don't know, but doesn't his suit fit well?"


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, 
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and 
said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' 

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' 

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I 
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll 
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things 
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband 
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. 
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

An older guy dies, and after he's embalmed his widow goes down to the funeral home. She tells the undertaker that she likes what he's done, but her husband never liked black suits, so she wondered if for the viewing he could have a nice navy blue suit on. He tells her he'll see what he can do.

That night, she arrives for the viewing, and he's there, wearing a navy suit, nicer than any suit he's ever owned. She's very grateful, and seeks out the undertaker to thank him.

He says he was glad to do it. "We pride ourselves on customer service, so when you asked about the suit I remembered that I had another gentleman here who was wearing a blue suit. I spoke to his widow, and she said it didn't make any differenct to her. So I just switched heads."


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## Dr.Watson (Sep 25, 2008)

^That one is just macabre.


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## jbmcb (Sep 7, 2005)

What's blue and smells like red paint?
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Blue paint.

Courtesy of Mythbusters.


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Kudos to all who posted here, especially Mike and Jack, who posted jokes about clothes!


Thanks, guys.



--Chase


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## Crownship (Mar 17, 2008)

*A joke?*

Why did the chicken cross the road?


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## Crownship (Mar 17, 2008)

*The story*

Knock! Knock!

"Who's there"

"The Chicken!"

"The Chicken.?"

"Yes, The Chicken."

"Chicken who?"

"I'm the Chicken that crissed the road because my wife kicked me out of the hen house, the farmer says I'm now good for nothing except breakfast and I need a place to stay.
If you let me in I'll be the best darned alarm clock you've ever had!"


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## Crownship (Mar 17, 2008)

*WHy DID the chicken cross the road?*



Crownship said:


> Why did the chicken cross the road?


Marriage problems


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

Crownship said:


> Marriage problems


unless it's a female chicken.


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## LoneWolf (Apr 20, 2006)

Traveling salesman knocks on a door and a 4-year old boy answers. The kid's wearing a tutu, smoking a cigar, has a martini in one hand and a bottle of KY Jelly in the other. In the background heavy metal music's blasting so loud the pictures on the wall are vibrating. Salesman says, "Er...hello...are either of your parents home?" Kid says, "What the **** do you think?"


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

*I Found a Joke About Clothes!*

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."


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## 16412 (Apr 1, 2005)

One day this guy decides his brain isn't as good as it used to be, so he decides to get a newer one.

At the brain surgeons office he tells the doctor that he thinks he need a brain replacement. 

So the doctor shows him a brain, saying "This brain is from a lawyer and it is worth $20,000." 

And the guy ask "What else do you have?"

The good doctor shows him another brain, saying "This one is worth $50,000. This brain is the brain of the famous Dr. Humbogle who died young, so has a long life a head still."

The guy says "Seems like a good buy. What else do you have?"

The doctor shows him another brain and says "This one is worth $750,000."

The guy steps back and says with a suprised awed voice "What what did he he do be before he died?"

The good doctor replys " Nothing! This brain has never been used! He is one of those guys who spent his time reading and writing at Ask Andys."


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## Bob Loblaw (Mar 9, 2006)

*Jokes from Germany*

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in 
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly 
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' 
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her 
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out 
and runs away. 
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell 
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


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## Bob Loblaw (Mar 9, 2006)

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Major Dad.
Major Dad who?
Major Dad feel guilty for spending too much time at work.


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ed Begley.
Ed Begley who?
Ed Begley, Jr.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Janice.
Janice Peters?
Yeah.
Do you know Mike Liebowitz?
We went to high school together.
Really?
Yeah.
Small world.
No kidding.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
As.
As who?
Ass.

login: knock, knock
password: 
login incorrect
Wait for login retry...
login:

Knock, knock.
Who's there? (Pause.) Damn kids. (Returns to couch.)
Knock, knock.
What the heck? (Cocks rifle, opens door.)
(Twig cracks.)
Anyone out there? Look, whoever you are, this ain't funny.
(Steps off porch into moonlit yard. Sounds from television fade. Notices cat and puts down gun.)
Oh, looky here. Whatcha doin' out so late, litta fella?
(Bushes rustle. Axe swings.)
NOOOOOO!
CUT TO:
Interior - Day
Riverdale High School - Mrs. Biddle's Homeroom Class. MANDY, JOHNNY, and GREG talk in hushed tones, waiting for class to begin.
Mandy: Did you hear what happened last night at the old Jones place?

CHARACTERS:
Steve, a young man - pensive, he's seen the world, perhaps too much of it
Boo Hoo - a woman, age indeterminate, dressed in rags
(The furnishings are minimal. A chair, coffee table, perhaps an Ansel Adams print. At center stage, there is a door. The light should remain dim with a scrim backlit in red or dark blue. City noise. Steve is reading the paper, like he does everyday after work.)
Boo Hoo: (Approaches door, graceful in her squalor.) Knock, knock.
Steve: (After pause, looks up from paper.) Who's there?
Boo Hoo: (whispering) Boo.
Steve: (Suddenly frightened; or excited. We can' tell.) Boo... who?
(beat)
Boo Hoo: (quietly dignified) Why are you so sad?
(Steve rises from his chair, throws open door. The two regard each other solemnly. Cautiously, they approach. Touching hands, they embrace as the lights dim and Ella Fitzgerald filters through the speakers.)


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Bob,


That was ah-may-ZING.


Who knew the simple "Knock-Knock" joke could be taken to a whole new level of form, style and substance?


I salute you, Bob Loblaw!


Kind Regards,

Chase


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## 14395 (Mar 10, 2004)

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.

The teacher asked little Johnny why he didn't raise his hand.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican
and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was
a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,

'That would make me an Obama fan.'


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

All of my jokes are WAY too sick to share here

When I was a wee girl, I discovered the Totally Tasteless joke books and memorized them


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## AMVanquish (May 24, 2005)

VS said:


> All of my jokes are WAY too sick to share here
> 
> When I was a wee girl, I discovered the Totally Tasteless joke books and memorized them


Whew, thank God I have some company! I was really starting to think I was a deviant for having a Blanche Knott collection in my teen years.


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## chatsworth osborne jr. (Feb 2, 2008)

*the asterisk replaces an 'i'*

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. 
While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. 
Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him.

He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. 
The moral of this story is "If the foo sh*ts, wear it."


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

Beware that there might be some non PC words!

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH:

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What 's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH:

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. 
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-t ur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER:

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. 
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

LOL, Asterix! :icon_smile_big:


--Chase


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

AMVanquish said:


> Whew, thank God I have some company! I was really starting to think I was a deviant for having a Blanche Knott collection in my teen years.


They were brilliant.

Also, I used to buy National Lampoon from the time I was 10. My mom never paid attention to my reading material. So I'm completely twisted now.


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## Trenditional (Feb 15, 2006)

VS said:


> They were brilliant.
> 
> Also, I used to buy National Lampoon from the time I was 10. My mom never paid attention to my reading material. So I'm completely twisted now.


I miss National Lampoon.


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what disappointment!!" The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Asterix,

"Of course he isn't gay--not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Recurring line on 'The Outing' Episode of _Seinfeld
_

Kind Regards,

Chase


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you'll be fired!"


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. 

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" 


"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." 


"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." 


"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." 


"Three? When were they?" 


"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" 


"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" 


"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" 


"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" 


"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" 





--Chase


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## 16412 (Apr 1, 2005)

Jack urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted 'Crazy', the boss would tell him to take a few days off. 
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
A co-worker asked what he was doing. 
Jack told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think he was 'Crazy' and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came in and asked, 'What on earth are you doing?'
I'm a light bulb, Jack told him.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." 
Jack jumped down and walked out of the office...
A moment later the co-worker followed him. The Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?" 
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

Not bad, WA, not bad... :icon_smile:


--Chase


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## brokencycle (Jan 11, 2008)

Two atoms are sitting at a bar. The first says to the second, "I think I lost an electron." The second responds, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive!"


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## Chase Hamilton (Jan 15, 2007)

_Q: _ How are politicians like diapers?

_A: _You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.

Kind Regards,

Chase


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## 17F (Jul 8, 2008)

*Whores and Hockey Players*

*A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.*
*The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of*
*lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says*
*he'll ask his manager about it.*

*Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some*
*asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,*

*"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The*
*manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.*

*Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you*
*got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on*
*their feet here. Where are you from, son?"*

*"Canada, sir," the boy replied.*

*"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.*

*The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."*

*"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada "*

*"No ****?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"*


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## 17F (Jul 8, 2008)

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, sped it up to 80 mph and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head."This is great," he thought and accelerated it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror,and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him blue lights flashing and siren blasting."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, so he floored it and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir,"he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning."The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."


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