# Good Clean Jokes



## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

Okay, let us lighten up a bit... Tell a good (but clean) joke that you have in your treasure chest.

I'll start with a quote - "The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage."


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## Patrick06790 (Apr 10, 2005)

*Hemingway humor*

What did the octopus say when he fell in the garbage disposal?

"Farewell to Arms."

Ahahaha.


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

*Excellent idea GT3!*

I like the quote 

Here's a little joke at the expense of me and mine:

Angus was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Angus pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Angus, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

Warmest regards


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

Comon guys this can be hilarious...


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## Intrepid (Feb 20, 2005)

*Heaven/Hell in Eurpoe*

Heaven in Europe:

British run the shops.
Germans run the police and trains.
Italians do the cooking.
French are the lovers.

Hell in Europe:

British do the cooking.
Germans are the lovers.
Italians run the shops.
French run the police and trains.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*A Scientific Inquiry into The Virginia Postulate: Is there a Santa Claus?*

Posit: No known species of reindeer can fly. However there are untold thousands of species that have yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and micro-organisms, this does not completely rule out the flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

Posit: There are over 2 billion children (persons under the age of 18) in the world. If we look at Christian children only, that number drops to 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. For the sake of argument, we'll assume at least 1 good child per household.

Posit: Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney and into his sleigh and move onto the next house. Assuming that each of the 91.8 million homes are evenly distributed around the earth (which of course we know to be false, but which we will use as a simplifying assumption) then that would be 0.78 miles per household, total trip distance 75.5 million miles, not counting time out for bathroom breaks.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or over 3,300 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the Aurora spyplane moves at a relatively pokey 6.5 times the speed of sound (this number is approximate as the Pentagon is understandably reluctant to release specifics as to the performance of said spyplane). Conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sled adds another interesting element. Assuming each child receives nothing more than a medium-size Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as being overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granted that 'flying reindeer' could pull 10 times that amount, the job cannot be done with 8 or even 9 reindeer (Rudolph). The job would require 214,200 reindeer. This increased the gross weight, not counting the sled to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison purposes, this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.

353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second generates enormous heat via air resistance, much as a spacecraft re-entering earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team of reindeer would be vapourized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa meanwhile, would be subjected to g-forces 17,500.6 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which by all accounts is a more than generous assumption) would be pinned to the back of the sled by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas ever, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

Q: Why did Adolf Hitler abstain from alcohol?

A: He found that gin made him mean.


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## whnay. (Dec 30, 2004)

What did the one cannibal say to the other while eating a clown?













This taste funny to you?


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

*Aaahhh Woman...*

Why is it called PMS?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Just a joke, just a joke no offence thrown. If this is not appropriate, I will gladly delete it. This may be borderline clean!!!


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

I hope this is not too political.

The previous joke made me remember this:


How many politically correct professors does it take to change a light bulb?







THATS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?









Seven. One to perform the manual operation and six to share the experience.


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?













His wife is good at picking out clothes. Not that this applies to any of us...


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## Beresford (Mar 30, 2006)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his
wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there
better be something in the driveway for me that goes
from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."

The next morning the wife found a small package
in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been
set for Saturday.


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

Beresford said:


> A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his
> wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there
> better be something in the driveway for me that goes
> from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."
> ...


That one knocked me off my chair...


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*What Your Motorcycle Says About You!!!*

1. *Ducati 916 SPS monoposto*: My wife is having an affair with her tennis coach. 
2. *Honda ST1100*: I really do understand the stock market. 
3. *1967 Triumph T120 Bonneville*: If I'd had this bike instead of a Cushman Eagle when I lived at the fraternity house in 1965, I might now be married to a former cheerleader named Veronica. 
4. *Harley-Davidson XR1000*: All my left shoes are made of steel, and all my motorcycle boots have laces. 
5. *Yamaha TZ250*: My other bike is a van. 
6. *Brough Superior SS100*: My mother was an Episcopalian. 
7. *Moto Guzzi Eldorado*: If I'd wanted a Harley, I'd have bought a Harley. But I didn't, and I didn't. 
8. *Honda GL1500 Gold Wing Aspencade*: The wife and I both feel that donuts are an unfairly maligned and under-appreciated source of protein and minerals. 
9. *BMW R1100RT*: The sound system on my bike is permanently tuned to Public Radio, but when I play it too loud I can't hear the cell phone. 
10. *Velocette Thruxton*: I have a professional-quality dartboard in our basement rec room, next to the real ale tapper on the wet bar. 
11. *Yamaha V-Max*: I am the only mechanical engineer in our office with a Mohawk hair cut. 
12. *Ural Tourist*: My Yugo is waiting for parts. 
13. *India Enfield Bullet*: My 1965 short-wheelbase Land Rover is waiting for parts. 
14. *Triumph Speed Triple*: I'm not waiting for any parts. Ever again. 
15. *Honda Elite 80*: My mom is knitting me a warmer scarf for going to class. 
16. *Vincent Series C Black Shadow*: If you need to borrow any books or videos on the Battle of Britain, the life of Winston Churchill or Gordon's defense of Khartoum, I have an extensive library. 
17. *Honda CBX*: I can pronounce both "Soichiro" and "Irimagiri" correctly. Also I own many valve shims.
18. *Suzuki TL1000R Desmo Shcmezmo*: I just wanna ride. 
19. *MV Agusta 750S*: Our firstborn son is the only Ago Schmiddlekopf in the Milwaukee phone book. 
20. *Kawasaki ZX-11*: I am on my way to our insurance agent's office for a personal conference, during which I will explain everything. 
21. *Honda 400F*: My husband thinks I believe he bought this bike just for me. 
22. *Suzuki GSX1300R Hayabusa*: The Honda CBR1100XX was making me late for work. 
23. *Triumph Trophy TR6-C*: I have seen "The Great Escape", starring Steve McQueen 27 times. And so have my two remaining friends. 
24. *Munch Mammoth*: I have been fighting a lifelong, losing battle with the Dark Side. 
25. *Honda CBR600F2*: My older brother is in the Air Force. 
26. *Pope 998 V-Twin*: I am on my way to the annual stationary steam engine and vintage farm implement meet. 
27. *Norton 750 Atlas*: I tried smooth and found it overrated. 
28. *Harley-Davidson WLA 45 Flathead*: I am saving for a Stearman. 
29. *1942 BMW R75*: I show the Luger collection only to a few close friends who know how to handle them without leaving acidic or salty fingerprints 
30. *Honda Pacific Coast*: I am among that very small minority of human beings who honestly don't care what anybody else thinks. If I did, I'd probably own a bike just like yours.
30. *Harley FX Super Glide "Night Train"*: There are only six things in my refrigerator, and they are all beer. 
31. *Henderson Four*: My grandson thinks these computers are quite the coming thing, apparently. 
32. *Yamaha R1*: My hair is not actually on fire, it's just a figure of speech. 
33. *Maico 360 X4*: Since the bypass surgery, my dirt riding and energy level have improved tremendously. 
34. *Bimota DB3 Mantra*: Ducatis are all very well, but I don't find them quite Italian enough. 
35. *Moto Guzzi Centauro*: Sometimes I misspell the word "eccentric" on purpose, just to be different. 
36. *Whizzer/Schwinn Phantom*: I still own my first baseball glove, Warren Spahn-autograph model. 
37. *Boss Hoss V8*: I can curl more weight with one arm than you can move on a refrigerator dolly. 
38. *MV Agusta F4*: Oro My wife is spending exactly $37,000 on our kitchen, just as soon as she can find a contractor. 
39 *Honda Valkyrie*: I tried vibration and lassitude and found them overrated. 
40. *Harley-Davidson 883 Sportster*: I am on my way to the Harley shop to purchase a larger set of pistons. 
41. *Buell Thunderbolt*: This big air-cleaner housing is coming right off, just as soon as I can get home to my toolbox. 
42. *Honda CL77 305 Scrambler*: My high school letter jacket still fits. More or less.


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## Mr. Knightly (Sep 1, 2005)

A pirate walks into a bar. Typical pirate: peg leg, eye patch, parrot. The only atypical thing about him is that he has a steering wheel down his pants. He sits down at the bar and orders a rum. The bartender is used to pirates, but he's never seen one with a steering wheel down his pants. He doesn't want to be rude so he doesn't say anything. The pirate drinks his rum and orders another and another. The bartender keeps getting more and more curious until he can no longer restrain himself. "Excuse me," he says, "do you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."


Two businessmen are having lunch. One of them says, "oh, I had the worst Freudian slip on the flight back from New York. The flight attendant had these fantastic tits and when she asked me where I was from, I was so distracted that I said titsburg." The other business man says, "wow, that's pretty bad. I had a doozy the other day too. We were having dinner and I meant to ask my wife to pass the beans. Instead I said 'you stupid xxxxing xxxx, you've ruined my life!"


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## upstarter (Dec 3, 2005)

Why did the tomato blush?








He saw the salad dressing.

Upstarter


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

*Doctor Damage...*

Excellent one about motorcycles, especially love the one about the Goldwing. Barcalounger on two wheels 

Warmest regards


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

Mr. Knightly said:


> A pirate walks into a bar. Typical pirate: peg leg, eye patch, parrot. The only atypical thing about him is that he has a steering wheel down his pants. He sits down at the bar and orders a rum. The bartender is used to pirates, but he's never seen one with a steering wheel down his pants. He doesn't want to be rude so he doesn't say anything. The pirate drinks his rum and orders another and another. The bartender keeps getting more and more curious until he can no longer restrain himself. "Excuse me," he says, "do you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."
> 
> Two businessmen are having lunch. One of them says, "oh, I had the worst Freudian slip on the flight back from New York. The flight attendant had these fantastic tits and when she asked me where I was from, I was so distracted that I said titsburg." The other business man says, "wow, that's pretty bad. I had a doozy the other day too. We were having dinner and I meant to ask my wife to pass the beans. Instead I said 'you stupid xxxxing xxxx, you've ruined my life!"


Those are great and I've not heard them before. Now for the world's dumbest joke, but children love it:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

*Even stupider joke. But it never fails.*

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead!


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## whnay. (Dec 30, 2004)

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

















Tiger Woods has a better driver.


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

Why do elephants have wrinkled skins?







Have you ever tried to iron one?


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

Why do ducks have webbed feet?




To stamp out jungle fires.




Why do elephants have flat feet?





To stamp out burning ducks.


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

*Lawyers...*

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.


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## Patrick06790 (Apr 10, 2005)

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.

It _could _happen.


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## eromlignod (Nov 23, 2005)

GT3 said:


> Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
> An ambulance stopped suddenly.


A guy walks in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are a$$holes!". A guy sitting at a table says, "Hey! I take offense at that statement!". The first guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?". "No", he replies, "I'm an a$$hole!"

Q: What's the first thing women do when they return home from the battered women's shelter?

A: The dishes if they know what's good for them!

A woman is stepping out of the shower as her husband is stepping in when the front doorbell rings. "Could you get that, Honey", he asks. So the wife goes to the door in a towel. When she opens it, it's their neighbor Bob standing in the doorway with a fistful of money. He says, "I'll give you $500 if you take off that towel". She thinks about it for a moment and considers that it's quite a lot of money for something so simple and harmless, so she agrees and takes off the towel. Bob gives her $500 cash and walks away. When she returns to the bathroom her husband asks, "Who was that at the door?". "It was Bob next door", she replies. "Oh", he says, "did he say anything about that 500 bucks he owes me?"

Q: What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants?

A: Catholics wave to each other in the liquor store.

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there's really a dog.

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?

A: Because they're WORTH IT!

Don 
Kansas City


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

eromlignod said:


> Q: What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants?
> 
> A: Catholics wave to each other in the liquor store.


Okay, I am not religiously sohphisticated. I am sorry I don't get this one.


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## eromlignod (Nov 23, 2005)

GT3 said:


> Okay, I am not religiously sohphisticated. I am sorry I don't get this one.


Well, I guess I should have been more specific and said "Baptists" instead of "protestants".

Maybe you'll get this one:

A nun is teaching a first grade class. On the first day of school she asks the children to stand up one at a time and state their name and tell the class what they want to be when they grow up. When they get to one little girl, she stands and says, "My name is Janie and when I grow up I want to be a prostitute!" The nun faints and collapses to the floor. When she awakes, she sees all the children standing around her and little Janie is holding her hand. "Janie", she says, "what did you just say to the classroom?" Janie replies, "I said 'My name is Janie and when I grow up I want to be a prostitute!'" The nun's face brightens and she says, "Oh, 'prostitute'! You see I thought you said 'protestant'!"

Don
Kansas City


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

Allegedly lifted from a recent network show;

A woman gets into an elevator in Salt Lake City and runs into a LDS bishop, all kitted out in his robes. She's been single for a while, and has heard some really weird stories so asks, shyly, "Bishop, do you think you could do something to make me feel the way a woman should feel?" 

He removes his robes and all of his other clothes, throws them on the elevator floor, and says "OK-- fold them."


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool....and stayed there. 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. 

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


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## Bertie Wooster (Feb 11, 2006)

A little boy is in 1st grade, whilst using a pair of scissors in art class he jabs his finger. His teacher consoles him and says "Don't worry son, let's just get a band aid on that". The little boy says " Can't I get a glass of cider ?". The teacher, puzzled, says "Whatever would you want a glass of cider for ?" to which the boy replies "Well, my big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider !"  

God, I'll probably get murdered for that one ! Ok, this isn't too bad.

A stout, bald, peg legged man writes to a fancy dress costume company asking for suggestions for an outfit to wear to an upcoming party. A week later a package arrives, the man opens it and inside is a pirate kit, the stuffed parrot and all. The letter says " Dear Sir, please find enclosed one pirate kit. We feel that with your having a peg leg this is perfect for you" The man is furious, he sends it all back with a note complaining how insensitive he feels they have been in drawing such attention to his missing leg.
A week later another package arrives, this time it contains a monk's habit. The enclosed note reads " Dear Sir, We are terribly sorry about the previous parcel we hope this is more suitable. We feel that with your bald spot and stout build this will suit you perfectly. Well this time the guy goes nuts, he packs everything up and sends it back, enclosing a note saying how badly he feels they have treated him by drawing attention to his being overweight and bald. 
Another week goes by and a new parcel arrives. This time it contains a tin of treacle. The man, quite confused, opens the enclosed note. It reads " Dear Sir, please find enclosed on tin of treacle. Since everything else we have suggested isn't good enough, why dont you pour the tin over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple !"


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

Bertie Wooster said:


> Since everything else we have suggested isn't good enough, why dont you pour the tin over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple !"


 Great one!


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## Intrepid (Feb 20, 2005)

Mr. Knightly said:


> A pirate walks into a bar. Typical pirate: peg leg, eye patch, parrot. The only atypical thing about him is that he has a steering wheel down his pants. He sits down at the bar and orders a rum. The bartender is used to pirates, but he's never seen one with a steering wheel down his pants. He doesn't want to be rude so he doesn't say anything. The pirate drinks his rum and orders another and another. The bartender keeps getting more and more curious until he can no longer restrain himself. "Excuse me," he says, "do you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."
> 
> Two businessmen are having lunch. One of them says, "oh, I had the worst Freudian slip on the flight back from New York. The flight attendant had these fantastic tits and when she asked me where I was from, I was so distracted that I said titsburg." The other business man says, "wow, that's pretty bad. I had a doozy the other day too. We were having dinner and I meant to ask my wife to pass the beans. Instead I said 'you stupid xxxxing xxxx, you've ruined my life!"


It must be a sign of a personality flaw, but the second one is one of the funniest that I have ever heard.

I was walking the dog yesterday, and kept coming back to this one and couldn't contain a LOL. The dog obviously thought that I was nuts.


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## Intrepid (Feb 20, 2005)

*Two Classmates at Reunion*

Two classmates meet at reunion:

C1: Are you still playing a lot of golf?
C2:No I'm spending all of my spare time now keeping bees.
C1:Keeping bees? Don't you still live in an apartment?
C2:Sure do.
C1:Where in the world do you keep bees in an apartment?
C2:In a shoe box in the closet.
C1:Shoe box in the closet? God, they will die!
C2:****'em, it's just a hobby.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

For the younger forum members or those who spend to much time (1) playing online/MMO games, or (2) hanging around on forums with too many teenagers, I submit the following:

------------------

*F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng*

[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday] 
Merry: "Omg, I pwn" 
Pippin: "Sif, I pwn" 
**Rocket goes off 
Gandalf: "Pwned!"

Bilbo: "This = shiz, bai foos" 
Bilbo has left the server 
Frodo: "***!?"

[later, in Bag End] 
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo" 
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!" 
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!" 
Bilbo: "ok" 
Gandalf has logged on as admin 
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

**Later 
Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!" 
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back 
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!" 
Frodo: "***?" 
Gandalf has logged on as admin 
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire 
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

[At Isengard] 
Gandalf: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!" 
Saruman: "Foo! U R teh noob!" 
Gandalf: "***?!" 
Saruman: "Sauron pwns joo!" 
Gandalf: "Sif, I R leet" 
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf 
Saruman: "Pwned!"

[on the road to Bree] 
Merry: "look foos, shrooms!" 
Pippin: "Woot! Shrooms!" 
Frodo: "Ph34r!" 
Sam: "Shrooms!" 
Frodo: "PH34R!1!1" 
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past 
Frodo: "OMG, packetloss!"

[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony] 
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips 
Frodo has left the server 
Frodo has connected to the server 
Frodo: "OMGz, dc'd" 
Aragorn: "OMG, noobz"

[at Weathertop] 
Merry: "Mmm, shrooms!" 
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!! 
Frodo: "Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz"

**the black riders attack 
Merry: "OMG!!!" 
Sam: "O.M.G!!!11" 
Pippin: "***" 
Frodo has left the server 
**head nazgul stabs Frodo's ghost 
Frodo has connected to the server 
Frodo: "***... hax!" 
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand 
Aragorn: "PH34r!!!!!!" 
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "

[on the road to Rivendell] 
Aragorn: "ZOMG!Arwen!" 
**Arwen rides up 
Aragorn: "A/S/L? Wanna net secks?" 
Arwen: "Sif! *** is up with Frodo?" 
Sam: "teh leet Hax0r " 
Arwen: "Firewall?"

**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell. 
Arwen: "PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!" 
**nazgul start to cross 
Arwen: "LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!" 
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away 
Warning: Connection Problems Detected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
nazgul has disconnected 
Arwen: "Pwnt"

[at the Council of Elrond] 
Gimli: "dwarves pwn!" 
Legolas: "Sif, Elves pwn!" 
Boromir: "OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!" 
Elrond: "STFU tards!!1!" 
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth 
Gimili: "Sif ring pwns all!" 
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters 
Elrond: "**sigh, noob"

[Frodo meets up with Bilbo] 
Bilbo: "OLOL, me = 10th level thief!" 
Frodo: "OMG, u r teh pwn!" 
Bilbo: "Do u still have teh ringz0r?" 
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring 
Bilbo: "OMG u tard, I want to TK you!" 
Frodo: "sif!" 
Bilbo: "ph34r my mithril"

[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell] 
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains 
Legolas: "ZOMG, leet gfx!" 
Gimli: "I R dropping frames! FFS" 
**There's an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf 
Gimli: "Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1" 
Gandalf: "**Sigh. Moria?" 
Gimli votes to change map to Moria 
Votes 4 of 4 required 
Legolas: "lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!"

[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria] 
Gandalf: "FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?" 
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks! 
Frodo: "OMG! ph34r!" 
Boromir: "GL HF" 
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian 
Legolas [arrow] guardian 
Gandalf: "gg"

[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria] 
Gimli: "OMG!!!! PWNED!"

**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well 
Gandalf: "teh bookz0r has some clues!" 
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well 
Gandalf: "OMG! noob!" 
Merry: "d'oh" 
**The fellowship hears the ork drums 
Boromir: "***?" 
Aragorn: "***?" 
Frodo: "..." 
Gandalf: "Oh ffs >.<" 
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come 
Boromir: "TEAMS FFS!" 
Aragorn [broadsword] ork 
Gimli [axe] ork 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
Aragorn [broadsword] ork 
Aragorn [broadsword] ork 
Boromir [broadsword] ork 
Gimli [axe] ork 
Gimli [axe] ork 
ork: "OMG! h4x!" 
Gimli: "pwned"! 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
Legolas: "lol!!" 
Boromir [broadsword] ork 
Gimli [axe] ork 
Gimli: "Foos!" 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
ork: "ffs, wallhax!" 
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors 
Gandalf: "Oh ffs!" 
Boromir: "Omg, its teh boss!" 
Aragorn: "Sif noob, we're not at teh end yet!" 
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo 
Sam: "OMG!" 
Gandalf: "OMG!" 
Aragorn: "omg, pwn!" 
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head 
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll 
Ork: "OMG! PWNED!" 
Gimli: "LOLOOLOL! noobs" 
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks 
Boromir: "FFS! Teams, foos!" 
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw 
Aragorn: "Now THIS is teh boss!" 
Gandalf: "OMG!" 
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows. 
Legolas: "LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!" 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
Legolas [arrow] ork 
ork: "AIMBOT!" 
ork: "turn it off!" 
Legolas: "lolol!" 
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog 
Gandalf: "joo shall not pass!" 
Balrog: "***?" 
Gandalf: "JOO SHALL NOT PASS!" 
Balrog: "Sif, noob" 
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog's weight 
Balrog: "ZOMG! PWNED!" 
Frodo: "OMG! Gandalf!" 
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf 
Gandalf: "D'oh" 
Frodo: "OMG, joo foo!" 
Gandalf: "fly u foos, fly!" 
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass 
Gandalf has left the server 
Balrog has disconnected

[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien] 
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel 
Galadriel: "For a noob, u r teh leet!" 
Frodo: "Sif. I don't want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?" 
Galadriel: "******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"

[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river] 
Saurman: "ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!" 
uruk hai: "leet!"

[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp] 
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him 
Boromir: "Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!" 
Frodo: "Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!" 
Boromir: "Naw, we play on non-pb servers" 
Frodo: "STFU noob" 
Frodo has left the server 
Boromir: "***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"

**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir 
Boromir: "OH FFS, TEAMS!!" 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir 
Boromir: "****ing campers" 
**Aragorn comes across the battle 
Aragorn: "Boromir joo noob! ***!" 
Uruk Hai: "Hah, pwn!" 
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai 
Aragorn: "I bring joo teh pwn!" 
**Aragorn goes to Boromir 
Boromir: "Damn lag!" 
Warning: Connection problems detected 
Boromir has disconnected 
Aragorn: "FFS!"

[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam 'sees' him] 
Sam: "Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!" 
Frodo has connected to the server 
Frodo: "Sam, STFU and FOAD!" 
Sam: "Sif!" 
Frodo: "Oh, ffs n00b!"

3Nd!!!!11


----------



## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?






Dam


----------



## globetrotter (Dec 30, 2004)

a man goes into a bar and orders six shots of makers mark. the bartender sets them up on the bar in a line, and the man starts knocking them back one after the other. the barman say "hey, mister, what's up?, why are you drinking the shots so fast?". 

the man say "if you had what I have, you would drink like this, too". 

"what do you have?" 

"about $2.00"


----------



## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

That one was clever, Globetrotter!!!

LOL


----------



## Mute (Apr 3, 2005)

The CIA, FBI and LAPD had a contest to determine which was a better agency. They let loose a rabbit into the forrest and each would take a turn to see who could find and capture the rabbit quicker.

The CIA went first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 

The FBI goes next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"


----------



## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

*More on the LAPD... LAPD Job Interview*

3 men showed up at 1 Police Plaza for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing officer said "To be in the LAPD you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all, no questions asked. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the LAPD you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all, no questions or hesitation. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry, I just can't" he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the LAPD you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all, willing to do anything asked of you. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The officer heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with a chair!"


----------



## JohnnyVegas (Nov 17, 2005)

*The Cleanest One:*

Q: What did one strawberry say to the other?

A: If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam!

*The not-so-cleanest one:*

Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous to have around children, and the other is used to carry groceries.

*My favorite one-two ever:*

Q: What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

A: A dead epileptic.


----------



## whnay. (Dec 30, 2004)

What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?

















Telling your parents your gay.


----------



## JohnnyVegas (Nov 17, 2005)

A wealthy oil tycoon builds a new estate overlooking Dallas. Once his fabulous mansion is completed, he holds a huge party to welcome everyone. There are dozens of famous and important people, from politicians to sports stars to actors and actresses, as well as the most powerful people in all of Texas business. While everyone is having a great time exploring the home and the grounds, people keep whispering to each other about the swimming pool with a great white shark in it, wondering what it is doing there.

As the party really gets going, the host gets everyone's attention. "Thank you everyone for coming. It's really great to see you all, and if I have not gotten to thank you personally make sure you see me before you leave. Now, let's get down to business. I am sure a number of you are wondering why I have a pool with a great white shark in it. I have an offer to make to anyone here, since I love a little sport, shall we say.

"I am willing to offer someone one of three things if they can swim from one end of the pool to the other without getting eaten alive. That person is entitled to their choice of - NUMBER ONE - owning this here estate themselves - NUMBER TWO - marrying my 19 year old model daughter, or - NUMBER THREE - being handed one million dollars in cash and a board of trustees position with my oil company for being such a great risk-taker! Now, who will take me up on my offer?"

At first, everyone just looks around, waiting for someone to make a move. Suddenly, there was a SPLASH!!! Everyone turned their eyes to the pool to see a man swimming through it! The shark raced for him, but the man swam right under the shark and began making his way down one of the side walls. The crowd cheered for a moment, until they saw the shark spin around and head straight for him again! The shark lunged forward... and the man pushed off the wall in time to watch the shark crash into it! Now everyone was screaming their heads off, hoping this brave soul would make it! The shark was swimming back at him, and jumped into the air as the man tried to pull himself out of the pool. The man kicked at the shark's nose and dove onto the pavement as the shark fell back into the pool.

The oil tycoon came running down to greet this man. "That was amazing! Spectacular! Truly divine! So, did you do it for this fine estate?"

The man shook his head trying to catch his breath.

The oil tycoon continued. "No? Alright then, I'd be proud to give you my daughter's hand in marriage! What a brave son-in-law, my grandkids will be just as brave I hope!"

Again, the man shook his head as he tried to catch his breath.

"Alright, a man after the money, a million bucks and a seat on the company's board. We have a deal!"

One last time, the man shook his head as he tried to catch his breath.

The tycoon looked at him strangely, and asked, "Well son, you don't want anything I offered. What is it you want?"

The man looked up and said, "I want the guy who pushed me in!!!"


----------



## Coolidge24 (Mar 21, 2005)

Two lame ones beaten into me every Thanksgiving until I was ten by good natured great-uncles

Great Uncle:"What's the mating call of the Moose?"
(child unable to answer)
Great Uncle: Heyyy, mate!
(this would then be repeated with several other animals. The child was more than able to answer by age 10).

Great Uncle: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Great Uncle: Anyone can roast beef.

Protestant self-depracation:

How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change it, 5 to reminisce about how good the old one was.


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## Karl89 (Feb 20, 2005)

Gents,

I know the two funniest jokes in the English language but they are far from clean.

The punchlines:

Joke 1 - "No, no I'm Gretsky!"

Joke 2 - "The penguin says no, it's just ice cream."


Karl

P.S. PM me if you want the rest of the joke.


----------



## ashie259 (Aug 25, 2005)

A horse goes up to the bar, and the barman says, "Hey, why the long face?"


----------



## rip (Jul 13, 2005)

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


----------



## ashie259 (Aug 25, 2005)

A polar bear goes up to the bar and says, "A gin and.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................tonic, please."

The barman replies, "Why the big paws?"


----------



## mgeissler (Jan 5, 2006)

A young blond woman went to the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Blonde: Doctor everywhere I touch on my body it hurts. If I touch my arm it hurts, if I touch my head it hurts, everywhere I touch it hurts. What could possilby be the problem?

Doctor: You have a broken finger.

I got a million more!


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## Full Canvas (Feb 16, 2006)

*For all of you " . . . walks into the bar and says . . . " fellows:*

The toothless termite walks into the bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

_________________________________________


----------



## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

Errrr.... How about some more jokes guys? It is getting heated again over here.

For Republicans:

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library


10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over."

9. "A library in Arkansas--well, now I've seen everything."

8. "The hours are 9 to ???"

7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates."

6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover."

5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler."

4. "That concludes our ceremony--you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine."

3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk."

2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night."

1. "Security to the front--Kerry is here sobbing again."


For Democrats:

"Dick, I've got an approval rating of 38 percent and you shoot the only trial lawyer in the country who likes me."

"You know there are all these conspiracy theories that Dick runs the country, or Karl runs the country. Why aren't there any conspiracy theories that I run the country? Really ticks me off."

"The truth is that I do run the country. But Dick runs me and Lynne runs Dick. So actually Lynne runs the country. And Lynne, I think you're doin' a heckuva job. Although I have to say you dropped the ball big time on that Dubai deal." 

"By the way, when Dick first heard my approval rating was 38 percent, he said, 'What's your secret?'"


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## mgeissler (Jan 5, 2006)

Not to pick on blondes but here are a few good ones!

Q: How does a blonde kill a bird?
A: Throws it off a cliff

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: Tries to drown it

Thank you! I will be here all night!


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## GT3 (Mar 29, 2006)

*Some More Blonde Jokes*

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits? 
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight? 
Submitted by: Anthony Sandoval

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Lifted from


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*Living Will...*

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart ass


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## Intrepid (Feb 20, 2005)

*From the Movie, Prarie Home Companion*

Large shipment of Viagra highjacked. Any suspects? They are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

I think that my wife died. Why's that? Sex is the same, but dishes are starting to stack up in the sink.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*The pharmacist...*

A nice, respectable-looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said calmly, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us into jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

Piper MacKay's father Hugh was much like himself in that he had his share of flaws that were constantly being dregged up in polite company by his less than loving wife, Fiona. Hugh's short memory, when it came to matrimonial matters, was one of his worst flaws. He was always in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," Fiona, said angrily when she confronted him with yet another forgotten anniversary of the worst day of his life, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, Fiona looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Hugh's funeral followed that Saturday at 2 p.m.


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

MEAN (but funny!)


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

One day at Lambeau Field (home of the Green Bay Packers), a journalist is stunned to find an empty seat at the 50 yard line, right on the aisle and just inches behind the Packer bench. Lambeau has sold out every Sunday for decades, and the guy couldn't believe that this of all seats was empty. 
}
There was an older fellow sitting next to the seat and the reporter asked him if he knew what had detained the occupant.

"Well," he said, "this was my wife's seat. We came to games every week-- but she's dead now."

The journalist, probing a bit, said "but don't you have any friends that you could ask? There isn't a soul in Green Bay who wouldn't love to sit hear today."

The old fellow said "Oh, yes, we had plenty of mutual friends. But they're all at the funeral today."


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*The Asylum Bathtub Test*

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


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## rtaylor61 (Jul 25, 2005)

Concordia said:


> Allegedly lifted from a recent network show;
> 
> A woman gets into an elevator in Salt Lake City and runs into a LDS bishop, all kitted out in his robes. She's been single for a while, and has heard some really weird stories so asks, shyly, "Bishop, do you think you could do something to make me feel the way a woman should feel?"
> 
> He removes his robes and all of his other clothes, throws them on the elevator floor, and says "OK-- fold them."


Since LDS Bishops wear regular suits, not robes of any kind, can you kindly explain this to me?

Randy


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*A 'True' Canadian Joke...*

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

rtaylor61 said:


> Since LDS Bishops wear regular suits, not robes of any kind, can you kindly explain this to me?
> 
> Randy


As I saidL allegedly lifted from a network show. One of many things that would be somewhat improved by actual knowledge.


----------



## ccffm1 (Jul 31, 2005)

A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
"I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
"Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls. You must be an attorney!"


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

This will probably be me someday...


----------



## Karl89 (Feb 20, 2005)

Gents,

What goes clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.

Apologies to all our Amish members.

Karl


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

GWB being attacked by a giant bat...


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*This one's for you, Wayfayer...*

*The Scotsman in Cuba...*

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot ofwhisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service!"


----------



## jcbmath (Jan 11, 2006)

Whats the difference between the different protestant sects?

An anglican is a presbyterian with a trust fund.
A presbyterian is a methodist with a college education.
And a methodist is a baptist with shoes.


----------



## Karl89 (Feb 20, 2005)

Jcbmath,

I am not offended by your joke (and not just bc I am Roman Catholic!) BUT after the Catholics, the Methodists have been the most active denomination is establishing universities in this country - Vanderbilt, Emory, SMU and USC were all established as Methodist universities. While Methodists may not have the academic cachet of the Jesuits, their record is education is quite impressive. Once again, my overvalued two cents.

Karl


----------



## furiouschads (Jun 28, 2006)

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Du-u-u-n-ng.


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*I haven't read all of this yet, so don't blame me...*

*Something To Offend Everyone...*

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee? 
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? 
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? 
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? 
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex? 
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? 
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? 
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? 
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? 
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ? 
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? 
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in ******* schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? 
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? 
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? 
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? 
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ? 
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


----------



## fenway (May 2, 2006)

Karl89 said:


> Jcbmath,
> 
> I am not offended by your joke (and not just bc I am Roman Catholic!) BUT after the Catholics, the Methodists have been the most active denomination is establishing universities in this country - Vanderbilt, Emory, SMU and USC were all established as Methodist universities. While Methodists may not have the academic cachet of the Jesuits, their record is education is quite impressive. Once again, my overvalued two cents.
> 
> Karl


Not a Methodist personally, but add Boston University into those schools established by Methodists.


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

The end of the rainbow...


----------



## EL72 (May 25, 2005)

*LOL*

Love that Beer Store pic - thanks! (tho I hate the Beer Store as a anachronistic monopoly business)


----------



## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

EL72 said:


> Love that Beer Store pic - thanks! (tho I hate the Beer Store as a anachrnostic monopoly business)


I hope you don't mind if I post some jokes lampooning the Leafs and their fans? <smile>


----------



## EL72 (May 25, 2005)

Doctor Damage said:


> I hope you don't mind if I post some jokes lampooning the Leafs and their fans? <smile>


Please do. In fact I'll even join in the lampooning. I am from Montreal and remain a Habs fan. My dislike for the Loser Leafs and their sorry fans knows no bounds.


----------



## mpcsb (Jan 1, 2005)

EL72 said:


> Please do. In fact I'll even join in the lampooning. I am from Montreal and remain a Habs fan. My dislike for the Loser Leafs and their sorry fans knows no bounds.


'Leafs', 'Habs', ? Ok so I'm not a sports kind of guy, who are you talking about? I have a feeling this has to do with the great Canadian game of hockey - which I know absolutely nothing about, being a good US mid-western boy myself.


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## Concordia (Sep 30, 2004)

fenway said:


> Not a Methodist personally, but add Boston University into those schools established by Methodists.


Not to mention any school with the word "Wesleyan" in its name.


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## EL72 (May 25, 2005)

mpcsb said:


> 'Leafs', 'Habs', ? Ok so I'm not a sports kind of guy, who are you talking about? I have a feeling this has to do with the great Canadian game of hockey - which I know absolutely nothing about, being a good US mid-western boy myself.


You are correct, it has to do with hockey.

Leafs = Toronto Maple Leafs

Habs = Montreal Canadiens (i.e. Habs for les Habitants; those that inhabit are Canadians)

Leafs = Laughs = Losers = last won the Stanley Cup before any of their players were born (1967)

Habs = One of the most storied sports franchises in the world (the logo is one of the most recognized sports symbols in the world). Their record 24 Stanley Cups made them the most successful team in any sport until the NY Yankees won those 3 world series in a row.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*Go LEAFS!*


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## JoshuaHManning (Sep 21, 2005)

Ok, the first one's a typical corny joke. The second, more of a series for the political among us.


1) Two birds sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"


2) The intricacies of international and ideological Cow Ranching:

REPUBLICAN: 
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

DEMOCRAT: 
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being 
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. 
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

SOCIALIST: 
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 

COMMUNIST: 
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with 
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: 
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: 
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which 
was a gift from your government. 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: 
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION: 
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO
on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the 
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. 

FRENCH CORPORATION: 
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go 
to lunch. Life is good. -or-	
You have two cows. Someone steals them both. You give up.


JAPANESE CORPORATION: 
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on 
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow
school. 

GERMAN CORPORATION: 
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION: 
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling 
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: 
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you 
have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn
you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You 
stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up 
and takes over how ever many cows you really have. 

POLISH CORPORATION: 
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.


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## Trogdor (May 20, 2005)

Intrepid said:


> Two classmates meet at reunion:
> 
> C1: Are you still playing a lot of golf?
> C2:No I'm spending all of my spare time now keeping bees.
> ...


^ Funniest. Joke. Ever.

--

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:

Journalist: "So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go down on one knee again?" 
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

More Leafs...


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*Southern therapy...*

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you 
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

I am a good Ontario lad by birth and upbringing, so I might well be wrong, but isn't the general meaning of "habitant" basically "peasent"?


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

Wayfarer said:


> I am a good Ontario lad by birth and upbringing, so I might well be wrong, but isn't the general meaning of "habitant" basically "peasent"?


I think we will need a ruling from *zegnamtl* on that one.

Anyway, here's some bumber stickers which should offend everyone:


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## EL72 (May 25, 2005)

Wayfarer said:


> I am a good Ontario lad by birth and upbringing, so I might well be wrong, but isn't the general meaning of "habitant" basically "peasent"?


While it sometimes carries that negative connotation, the literal meaning of habitant is the one who lives in______ (qui habite). Canadians are the "habitants" of Canada.


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## crazyquik (Jun 8, 2005)

fenway said:


> Not a Methodist personally, but add Boston University into those schools established by Methodists.


And Duke.

Ok here's my joke:

A white horse fell into a mud puddle. Oh wait, that's a dirty one...


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## EL72 (May 25, 2005)

*Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.*​
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 

The lavatory is blocked; this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof. 

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother? 

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 

Will you please send a man to look at my water? it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. 

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling. 

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. 

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

_If anyone is offended PM me and I will delete this one:_

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The Canadian can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Frenchman says, "In France there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Canadian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it,takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Frenchman.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Canadian says, "Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Frenchmen, but beer bottles are worth a dime."


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

_Again, if anyone is offended I will edit/delete, but like all good jokes this one should offend everyone..._

*Know your state motto:*

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, Only Smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (A Pox On Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes. (Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.)

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S".

Indiana
Two Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn.

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States.

Kentucky
Five Million People And Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney, And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma
Like The Musical, But No Singing.

Oregon
Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner In The Rain.

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet.

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

Texas
Se Hable Ingles.

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedy's.

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men And The Sheep Are Nervous.


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

*THE BLONDE'S NEW SHOES*

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamp determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "DARN!...THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


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## Relayer (Nov 9, 2005)

Two lawyers, one from Alabama, one from Michigan, meet while waiting in an airport.

Bama lawyer: Where did you go to law schoool?

Mich lawyer: Yale.

Bama lawyer: Well, ok... WHERE DID YOU GO TO LAW SCHOOL!!


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

A farmer had two horses, Fred and Ted. He was down on his luck and it looked as though he might lose his farm, so he took the horses to the state fair and entered them in a race. They were neck and neck, ahead of all the other horses, right up to the end. Finally, Fred pulled ahead and won.

The farmer made money from this activity so he started taking them around to tracks all around the area, and each time it went the same way. They would be faster than the other horses, neck and neck, and Fred would always pull away and win at the end.

Eventually the time came when they were too old to keep doing this so the farmer put them out to pasture to enjoy the rewards of the life they had spent. One day they were standing around in the pasture, doing their horse thing. "You knw," Fred said, "It's been a good life. We had some good races, good times."
Ted replied, "I suppose, but it always hurt my feelings that you never let me win. It seems like you could have done that at least once."

Fred said, "Okay, let's have one more race, just to see what happens."

So they did. They raced all around the pasture, and although they were getting on in years they were still fast. They were neck and neck all the way to the end, but at the very end Fred pulled ahead and won.

While they were standing there a dog who had been watching came over and said, "Wow, that was a good race! You were so evenly matched I didn't know what was going to happen until Fred pulled ahead at the end."

Fred and Ted looked at each other and screamed, "AAAH!! A talking dog!"


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

Here's a funny photo sequence. You can just imagine Charles, having missed the joke, asking "C'mon guys, what's so funny, c'mon tell me..."


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## Doctor Damage (Feb 18, 2005)

Here's some great Star Trek "inspirational posters". Some of these are pure magic.


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush 
that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's 
amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, and then he collapsed onto 
his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

*military humor*

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955! "

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


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## davidhm (Jan 8, 2006)

*not really clean, but sort of...*

I really like this one, but to pull it off, you have to be a fairly gentle, soft-spoken sort of person, its particularly good for a speech, though pick your audience...

"They say its good to start with a joke, but I hadn't planned one. I asked the cabbie on my way here for one, and he had a great one, but it's a little off-colour... I'm going to try it, but I'll change it a little... you'll have to use your imagination a bit.

See, each time there's a word that starts with "F" and ends with "K", I'll say "fork", and each time there's a word that starts with "S" and ends with "T", I'll say "shirt". You understand? All right, here goes...

See, there's this cocksucker..."

That's it.


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## lovemeparis (May 20, 2006)

*from the white house????*

^^^^

haha... that is very funny.

I wonder who? Monica L.:icon_smile_big::icon_smile_big::icon_smile_big:

...from paris 2 LA


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## The Gabba Goul (Feb 11, 2005)

LoL...some very good ones so far...

dont know how clean my contribution is...but I like this one...

General Custer's wife wanted to comission a painting to honor her late husband's life...she goes to an artist, asks him to make her a painting of the last thing that was going through his mind before he died..._now stop me if you've heard this one_...so a few weeks later the artist comes back with a painting of a bull wearing a halo and a bunch of native Americans having sex...the widdow custer is quite offended and demands the artist explain this paining...he says "Mrs Custer, this is the last thing that went through your husband's mind right before he died...'holy cow...look at all those f*****g Indians'..."

_***crickets chirping***_


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## english_gent (Dec 28, 2006)

whats black and sits at the top of the stairs ?

stephen hawking in a housefire !


----------



## RJman (Nov 11, 2003)

Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Hey, why the long face?"


----------



## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

*Good Friday joke*

I know it's a bit late.

Christ and the apostles are sitting around at the Last Supper. As they converse, Christ says that one of them will betray him.

They can't wait to deny it.

"Saints be praised, Lord, Never!"

"Faith and begorrah, Jaysus, I'd never do it!"

"Sure'n it tain't me, Lord."

So it goes around the table, to the one last apostle:

"I say, old chap, one isn't implying that it could be I?"

Oops, I realized I have two Good Friday jokes:

Q: In the famous painting of the Last Supper, what is Christ saying to the apostles?

A: "Get around to this side of the table or you won't be in the picture."


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## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

I like the second one, Jack!!!


----------



## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

In that vein, an abbreviated version of one of my favorite industry jokes:

A physician dies and walks up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets him there. The physician asks for permission to enter and is granted permission.

A nurse, oddly enough the physician's nurse, walks up at that time and asks for permission. She is granted it and the two chat at the gate and notice an HMO case worker, their caseworker, asking for permission.

The case worker is granted permission and after she walks by, the other two rush to St. Peter to question the decision. St. Peter smiles and says, "Don't worry, she is only authorized for a three day stay."

I dress up the conversations somewhat when I use it as an opener when I do public speaking. It never fails to get a laugh.


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring


----------



## yachtie (May 11, 2006)

A rather innocent 'waspy" girl falls for a guy of Greek descent. Prior to the wedding the girls mother has the obligatory "pre marriage counseling session"

Mom: now dear, Stavros is a very nice boy, but his culture is different than ours. At some time after you're married, he'll ask you to "roll over". This you MUST NOT DO! 

Girl:Okay mom, I'll remember.

The wedding goes off fine and like most young newlyweds they're having sex several times a day. 
After a few months of this, Stavros says: Honey?
Girl: What?
Stavros (sweetly): Roll over
Girl (sharply):No!
Stavros: Come on, Honey, roll over...
Girl: NO! Never!

Stavros: But Honey, don't you ever want to become pregnant?


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

Blonde Joke:

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

*From Car Talk's Time Kill Weekly*

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Eventually I got tired of this, so I got back on the bus and went home.


----------



## BDS (Jul 8, 2007)

A man fell from the 15th floor and people started gathering around him, asking "what happened?".

The man said: "I don't know. I just arrived."


----------



## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

Q: What does the Secretary of State munch on on her way out of a restaurant?






















A: Condi-mints!


----------



## Title III Guy (Mar 18, 2007)

Q: What did the undercover dog say?

A: "Meow."


----------



## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

A guy is having a drink

in a bar.




A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says, 
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, 
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs; 
she's an ex-pro wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde 
who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs., 
and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" 

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
then says; 
"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

*Ken's Story*

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ken. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Janet. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Janet to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Janet. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Ken

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ken died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found
with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed
up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Janet was arrested and charged with murder; however, the
all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he
accidentally sat down on it...


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## TMMKC (Aug 2, 2007)

Two drunks walk into a bar....

which is rather silly considering the second one should have ducked.


----------



## TMMKC (Aug 2, 2007)

english_gent said:


> whats black and sits at the top of the stairs ?
> 
> stephen hawking in a housefire !


I just did a spit take with my coffee this morning...good one.


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## Bishop of Briggs (Sep 7, 2007)

My neighbour is an Unorthodox Jew. He's a Nazi!


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

Bishop of Briggs said:


> My neighbour is an Unorthodox Jew. He's a Nazi!


Exceedingly poor taste troll.


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

TMMKC said:


> Two drunks walk into a bar....
> 
> which is rather silly considering the second one should have ducked.


That doesn't make sense,Where's the punchline?


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## burnedandfrozen (Mar 11, 2004)

How do you know if you are too drunk to drive?










You swerve to miss a tree and discover it was your air freshener you saw.


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## burnedandfrozen (Mar 11, 2004)

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?







A fish.


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## burnedandfrozen (Mar 11, 2004)

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?








Put a little boogie in it.


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## burnedandfrozen (Mar 11, 2004)

A kind of clean one....

Why did the snowman pull his pants down?








He saw a snowblower approaching.


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## Laxplayer (Apr 26, 2006)

How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


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## Laxplayer (Apr 26, 2006)

*Theological lightbulb jokes*

How many Pentecostals? 
_Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness..._ 

How many Lutherans? 
_Well, first we'll need to form a committee..._

How many Quakers? 
_Someone will, but there is no one officially called to be a bulb changer._ 

How many Atheists? 
_1 - but they are still in darkness._ 

How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? 
_None. They always use candles. _

How many Amish? 
_What's a lightbulb? _


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

How many Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to put in the new bulb, and two to sit around talking about how much better the old one was.


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## TMMKC (Aug 2, 2007)

What do a bunch of insomniac agnostic dyslexics do?


Sit up all night debating the existence of Dog.


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## Wayfarer (Mar 19, 2006)

Laxplayer said:


> How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None. They would rather sit in the dark and b*tch about it 

(I wrote that one day when I came upon this exact scene. Not total darkness, but the idiots were all complaining the lamp was out and they could not chart!)


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## Laxplayer (Apr 26, 2006)

Wayfarer said:


> How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None. They would rather sit in the dark and b*tch about it
> 
> (I wrote that one day when I came upon this exact scene. Not total darkness, but the idiots were all complaining the lamp was out and they could not chart!)


I went over to see a friend at his apartment, and asked him why he was sitting in the dark watching TV. "The damn light burned out." was his response. Some people are just lazy I guess. Now if this happened in my wife's classroom, she would not be able to change the bulb because of the union contracts, but that is for another thread.

I thought you'd like the econ joke. I put the atheist one on there for you too. :icon_smile_big:


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## TMMKC (Aug 2, 2007)

Laxplayer said:


> How many Lutherans?
> _Well, first we'll need to form a committee..._


I've heard a version of that joke that involved one Lutheran actually putting in the light bulb while the others made tuna cassarole, lemon bars and coffee.


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## Laxplayer (Apr 26, 2006)

TMMKC said:


> I've heard a version of that joke that involved one Lutheran actually putting in the light bulb while the others made tuna cassarole, lemon bars and coffee.


And then sitting around talking about how much better the old one was. :icon_smile_big:


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

From last night's Prairie Home Companion joke show:

This outsourcing is getting out of hand. Even our local suicide hotline is now being answered in Pakistan. I called the other day and told them I was feeling suicidal, and they asked me if I knew how to drive a truck.


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## jackmccullough (May 10, 2006)

Another one:

How many really boring people does it take to change a light bulb?





























One.


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## marlinspike (Jun 4, 2007)

So this little guy walks into a bar. He's wearing these thick circular glasses and brings with him a short funny looking yellow dog on a leash. 

He takes a seat at the end of the bar. At the other end of the bar is this real big mean looking guy, with his Doberman sitting on the stool next to him. The big guy says to the little guy, "Hey, that's a funny looking dog you got there"

The little guy responds, "Oh, he does look kinda funny I guess, but he's can sure fight."

The big guy says, "I bet my doberman here could whoop him bad"
Little guy says, "Naw, I think your doberman would get beat, in fact, I don't think it'd be a fair fight."

So they get to arguing about it, and the big guy says "Ok, put your money where your mouth it. $500 says my guy whips him."

They go out to the alley, and for about 10 seconds all you see is fur flying, and sure enough the doberman runs back to his own tail between his legs. The big guy says "I don't understand it, I thought my dog could beat anything." And the little guy says to him, "Well, maybe I should have told you, but before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."


(Disclaimer: In no way do I condone dog fighting or other violence towards animals)


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