# Just split with long term girlfriend. Advice please.



## mangusta (Apr 28, 2008)

Hi all.
I have just broken up with my girlfriend after 6 years together.
The strange thing is, that we haven't had a row, been sleeping around or done anything to really upset each other.
We have just had a really nice day out in London in which we had a nice meal, went shopping and went to a show.
We had a discussion about our relationship, and my GF said that she felt it unfair to put me through a life of being with someone with three teenage children, a low paid job and a mortgage. She thinks she is tying me down.
I told her that I am happy in the relationship and that I always knew of her situation before we met.
I have tried my best to assure that I am happy and want to make it work, but she seems adamant that she wants us to finish, but remain friends.
Before anyone asks, neither of us have ever cheated and neither have another partner lined up.
I am a fairly hard bloke, but I really feel upset about this and powerless to save the relationship.
What do you men of the world (or indeed ladies of the world) advise? 
She is 43 years old and I fear that she may be suffering from pre-menopausal symptoms. Negativity, depression, lack of energy etc.


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## Bob Loblaw (Mar 9, 2006)

Hello and welcome.

As I am sure you might suspect - the reasons she gave you for the split probably do not reflect her genuine feelings. You can try to look for the real reason she doesn't want a relationship right now, but I don't know what good it will do since she doesn't want to stay in the relationship. 

I'd say give it some time. In the meanwhile, approach each day with a romantic sense of adventure. Think of all the opportunities that might await you down the road with someone whom you have yet to meet. With time you'll feel better; even moreso if you keep a good outlook on your life.


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## Laxplayer (Apr 26, 2006)

To be honest, I'd say the relationship has ended for good. Her reason for the split (it's me, not you) combined with the "let's remain friends" line is a sure sign, at least in my experience. I have used this one myself, and had it used on me a few times. You could wait around, and hope she changes her mind, but I think you will be disappointed.


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## ksinc (May 30, 2005)

Laxplayer said:


> To be honest, I'd say the relationship has ended for good. Her reason for the split (it's me, not you) combined with the "let's remain friends" line is a sure sign, at least in my experience. I have used this one myself, and had it used on me a few times. You could wait around, and hope she changes her mind, but I think you will be disappointed.


It's a sign and it screams "RUN!" Sorry, bro!

Put yourself in her shoes: IF you were 43, had three kids, a low paid job, and a mortgage then found a guy like you would you be depressed? What would your reaction be to finally finding the love of your life after all that?

I went through something like that once. It was awful. She was a divorcee too, but no kids. I was miserable for about 6 months.

The best advice I got was from a married woman - she said you can't pry a woman off that really loves you for you. You can't do anything to make her stop wanting to be with you. She said her husband could never say or do anything that would make her stop loving him or wanting to be with him. Sometimes you have to work at a relationship, but that doesn't mean making her want to be with you.

I swore she was wrong, but about 15 years later (and 9 years of marriage) I am convinced she was right.

I can scream, throw stuff, act like a total horses' butt and my Wife will say "I know you are the one. So get over it; you're married!"

Making it work is tempting, but you will regret it. Don't beat yourself up like that. The right one feels 180* different.

Negativity, depression, lack of energy ... that doesn't sound like someone to be around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Just my opinion. I'm not insensitive. I just have been through the wringer myself. No one could tell me. I doubt anyone will really be able to help you make up your mind, but when the time comes you'll know it's true and walking away will be easier. Still brutally painful, but you'll know you have to do it.

All the stuff people told me like, "you'll meet the perfect girl" didn't help at the time. I thought I already had met her. Somehow you have to convince yourself that if you had already met her, she'd know it too and you wouldn't be feeling like this now. It took me a while to really believe it. I bought a new car - it helps. 

Good luck!


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

You could start looking for someone else or just remain friends with this girl.


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## iwantansi (Feb 17, 2008)

Move on.... it hurts like hell, but it goes away....

Going through a divorce right now.... even though its amicable, its still hard and heart breaking.....


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## TMMKC (Aug 2, 2007)

Get out now and don't look back. She obviously doesn't want the relationship anymore and is trying to let you down easy. I imagine the spectre of maintaining a serious relationship and raising three teenagers is too much to handle right now. I guess the upside in this is that she seems to be genuinely concerned about your feelings. 

Breakups sting like hell...even when you're the one who is doing the breaking, believe me. Move on, keep looking and live a happy life.


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## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

TMMKC said:


> She obviously doesn't want the relationship anymore and is trying to let you down easy.


I agree that this is probably the case. For that reason I wouldn't bother trying to convince her that what she is telling you isn't true, because it probably isn't on her part or yours. This is most likely her way of using the old "It isn't you, it's me" explanation for ending a relationship. I know, been there and done that.

Just make her aware of your feelings, without overdoing it or being pushy, and then give her space. She may decide that she wants you after all, or she may not; but she must do it on her own. You cannot change her mind for her no matter what you say, at least not in a meaningful or permanent way. To paraphrase an old saying:

_One who's mind is changed against their will,_
_is of the same opinion still. _

Good luck.

Cruiser


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## burnedandfrozen (Mar 11, 2004)

Here's a quote I read in a book not too long ago although I cannot recall the author or name of the book.

"Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least".

This may sound somewhat cynical but it's true. Those who care more then the other will put up with a lot more before throwing in the towel.

This sums up the real joke about relationships. It takes two to really make it work and be worthwhile but only one to screw it up.


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## Rich (Jul 10, 2005)

Men propose, women dispose. The lady decides. If you can offer her something new, something she wants and that you haven't given her yet, that may change her mind. But you have to find out on your own what it is she wants. She won't tell you. That's how it is, I'm afraid.


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## TheWardrobeGirl (Mar 24, 2008)

I saw this thread yesterday and was curious to see what the guys would say before I threw in a girl's opinion...very interesting!!



Bob Loblaw said:


> Hello and welcome.
> 
> As I am sure you might suspect - the reasons she gave you for the split probably do not reflect her genuine feelings. You can try to look for the real reason she doesn't want a relationship right now, but I don't know what good it will do since she doesn't want to stay in the relationship.
> 
> I'd say give it some time. In the meanwhile, approach each day with a romantic sense of adventure. Think of all the opportunities that might await you down the road with someone whom you have yet to meet. With time you'll feel better; even moreso if you keep a good outlook on your life.


I agree with this 100% ...one of the most painful experiences in life is having your heart broken but I will say another one of the hardest things to do(I think) is to know you are about to break someone else's heart and finding a way to do it with as much kindness and compassion as possible...it sounds like your girlfriend knows it is over for her, but also knows you are a great guy and she feels terrible about how she just made you feel so rather than pointing out things about the relationship she KNOWS can/will never change, it is easier to accept blame...

I would advise you to move on (I know that is FAR easier said than done) but if you let her go and don't bother her with calls, text, e-mails, notes, flowers, etc she might stop and think about things and have a change of heart...I am not saying this WILL happen but I know when I end things with a guy, I try the it's not you, it's me excuse and if the guy keeps hounding me it is like nails on a chalkboard and then I start getting annoyed and uncomfortable and I cringe when I see the number come up on caller ID, etc...

Sometimes people need a little space, sometimes people need a lot of space, but unfortunately, sometimes people need permanent space...only time will tell...



burnedandfrozen said:


> Here's a quote I read in a book not too long ago although I cannot recall the author or name of the book.
> 
> "Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least".


Are you reading chick books??  ...just kidding! I think it is sad, but very true!



Rich said:


> Men propose, women dispose. The lady decides. If you can offer her something new, something she wants and that you haven't given her yet, that may change her mind. But you have to find out on your own what it is she wants. She won't tell you. That's how it is, I'm afraid.


I don't think that is a fair statement at all...sure there are some women that are like that, but there are also some men like that...I think there are more men than women guilty of packing up and leaving when something better comes along or when they just "aren't feeling it anymore"...

Final note...be happy she cut you loose - I don't mean this to sound mean or rude, but I have to say it to prove a point...sounds like she has a bit of "baggage"...MANY women in that situation would be looking for a man to take care of her and would stay in a relationship they do not feel true to simply because it is EASIER than being on their own...I know that sounds terrible, but it is true, I see it all the time!


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

TheWardrobeGirl said:


> I saw this thread yesterday and was curious to see what the guys would say before I threw in a girl's opinion...very interesting!!
> 
> I agree with this 100% ...one of the most painful experiences in life is having your heart broken but I will say another one of the hardest things to do(I think) is to know you are about to break someone else's heart and finding a way to do it with as much kindness and compassion as possible...it sounds like your girlfriend knows it is over for her, but also knows you are a great guy and she feels terrible about how she just made you feel so rather than pointing out things about the relationship she KNOWS can/will never change, it is easier to accept blame...
> 
> ...


Mangusta, sorry to hear of your situation but I hope you'd consider the suggestions presented by TheWardrobeGirl.


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## Cliff (Mar 10, 2005)

Three words: "Release the Video."






Seriously though, I would agree with TheWardrobeGirl on this one. Just be glad it ended amicably.


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

> This sums up the real joke about relationships. It takes two to really make it work and be worthwhile but only one to screw it up.


And Robin screwed it up,She was the one who broke up with me and now she's on this dating website where she met this older man.


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## ksinc (May 30, 2005)

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.


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## rip (Jul 13, 2005)

TheWardrobeGirl said:


> I would advise you to move on (I know that is FAR easier said than done) but if you let her go and don't bother her with calls, text, e-mails, notes, flowers, etc she might stop and think about things and have a change of heart...I am not saying this WILL happen but I know when I end things with a guy, I try the it's not you, it's me excuse and if the guy keeps hounding me it is like nails on a chalkboard and then I start getting annoyed and uncomfortable and I cringe when I see the number come up on caller ID, etc...


This is the sagest advice you're likely to get; not only will trying to stay in touch annoy her, but more importantly for you, it will definitely keep alive all the pain you're feeling now for as long as you do it. Even if you're convinced she'll come back to you, you've got to give her however much space she needs. Give her a chance to really miss you! In the meantime, get on with your life; go out, date, get laid, buy clothes!


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## ccc123 (Apr 11, 2008)

I would ask why you would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?


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## 16128 (Feb 8, 2005)

I have nothing else to add but am sorry, Mangusta. What a blow.


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## Gong Tao Jai (Jul 7, 2005)

The only thing I have to add is, don't try to be friends. It will only prolong your misery and give you false hope. Make a clean break and move on.


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

ccc123 said:


> I would ask why you would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?


If you love the girl,In her mind,Does she love you just as much as you love her cause it goes both ways.You have to make sure you're both on the same page together.


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## baloogafish (Oct 4, 2007)

As tough as it may be, I think you should move on. I'm sure you've heard this before in person and many times in the Fora, so I can't really add much more than that. I'm sorry for your loss and good luck getting back on your feet, which I'm sure you'll do.


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## mangusta (Apr 28, 2008)

Update from OP.
Thought it best to update you guys.
Since we split up, it is so tempting to pick up the phone or send a text message.
Determination helped me to resist this. I even go out of my way on journeys, to avoid going anywhere near her home or work.
Something that I did from day one of the split was to list on a sheet of A4 paper in two columns, the plus points and negative points of my ex GF.
You guessed it, dozens of negatives and only two or three plus points.
Every time I now find myself thinking of her, I just look at my piece of A4 and realise that I am better off. The hurt will heal (it is already starting).
I am keeping myself very busy and socialising with my friends and family.
She did text me the day after our split, saying that she was sorry and wishing me well. I didn't reply.
Life is already looking up. I woke up early this morning and realised that every second of today will be decided by me. I don't have to think about her first.
I still miss her, but am happy in the thought that we parted on good terms and that I have many years of happy memories during our relationship.
Thanks for listening guys.


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## misterdonuts (Feb 15, 2008)

Well done, mangusta. The list is an excellent idea, an effective remedy against moments of "remission."
best wishes,
md


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## DukeGrad (Dec 28, 2003)

*Mangusta*

Mangusta

Sorry for what happened to ya. Look at Lax Players and Howards advice. Look forward. You have been here I am sure before. Chin up, dont take it to heart!
Nice day my friend


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## SpookyTurtle (Nov 4, 2007)

mangusta said:


> Update from OP.
> Thought it best to update you guys.
> Since we split up, it is so tempting to pick up the phone or send a text message.
> Determination helped me to resist this. I even go out of my way on journeys, to avoid going anywhere near her home or work.
> ...


Good for you! It takes a lot of determination to do what you have been doing and I am glad to hear it is working. I personally believe that no contact at all is best. The day will come when talking to her won't hurt, and you may just find that you don't want to talk to her anyway. Keep up the good work and let the wounds heal.


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## Leather man (Mar 11, 2007)

mangusta said:


> Update from OP.
> Thought it best to update you guys.
> Since we split up, it is so tempting to pick up the phone or send a text message.
> Determination helped me to resist this. I even go out of my way on journeys, to avoid going anywhere near her home or work.
> ...


I've just picked up on this thread. I agree 100% with what TheWardrobeGirl said. It sounds like you've taken good advice and for what its worth I think you are being very brave. Your girl friend obviously didn't want to hurt you more than she had to and that tells you you have a lot going for you. Whatever her reasons were and as has been said they will not be the given reasons, you cannot change her. No one can change another person, so moving on is the very very hard but right thing to do.

If she does change her mind and you are willing to give it a second go then be totally honest with her about the terms on which you are willing to give things a second go. However it doesn't sound likely that she will.

You will have really tough days and you feel totally cut up and other days when you feel positive about things. In time you will heal and when you meet another woman you fall for and she for you things will taken on a whole new meaning. Right now however that may not be something you can hear - I know your last post was more upbeat but I do not take it for granted you are feeling like that right now - hope you are of course.:icon_smile:

I think what is really really important is not to grow bitter towards your ex girlfriend - this can be a danger as the dust settles - I am sure you know this will only harm you and spoil the memories of the happiness you had together. Lets hope and pray your next love will be forever.:icon_smile:

LM


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## Country Irish (Nov 10, 2005)

I have to wonder where the Wardrobe Girl was when I was learning how to navigate life's misfortunes. She is correct but it took me a lot of heartache to learn it on my own. I'm glad you have been able to move on and the good part is that you are free to explore new opportunities for romance. While that one true love is most desired, the process of seeking her opens the possibility to new experience and greater capacity for love. There is always risk involved but that keeps life interesting.


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## TheWardrobeGirl (Mar 24, 2008)

Kind of ironic...I have always been told I give such great advice in these situations... amongst my friends, I am the warm shoulder to cry on and the open ear to listen...people I don't even know well discuss their relationship problems with me... yet I remain single...(I am not sure which face to insert here!)


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## ksinc (May 30, 2005)

mangusta said:


> Update from OP.
> Thought it best to update you guys.
> Since we split up, it is so tempting to pick up the phone or send a text message.
> Determination helped me to resist this. I even go out of my way on journeys, to avoid going anywhere near her home or work.
> ...


Ok, this is good! How's going about some new chics? :icon_smile_big:


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## ksinc (May 30, 2005)

TheWardrobeGirl said:


> Kind of ironic...I have always been told I give such great advice in these situations... amongst my friends, I am the warm shoulder to cry on and the open ear to listen...people I don't even know well discuss their relationship problems with me... yet I remain single...(I am not sure which face to insert here!)










:icon_smile_big:


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## Asterix (Jun 7, 2005)

TheWardrobeGirl said:


> Kind of ironic...I have always been told I give such great advice in these situations... amongst my friends, I am the warm shoulder to cry on and the open ear to listen...people I don't even know well discuss their relationship problems with me... yet I remain single...(I am not sure which face to insert here!)


That would be easily taken care of as I believe there are single and excellent gentlemen on AAAC who would be lining up for an opportunity to build a relationship with you. :icon_smile_wink:


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## TheWardrobeGirl (Mar 24, 2008)

ksinc said:


> :icon_smile_big:


What does that mean?!



Asterix said:


> That would be easily taken care of as I believe there are single and excellent gentlemen on AAAC who would be lining up for an opportunity to build a relationship with you. :icon_smile_wink:


Very sweet, thank you


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## Country Irish (Nov 10, 2005)

TWG,
As for choosing which smiley to insert, just choose them all. That is the reality of life. One has many moods, often in the same day.
Being single. You may be wise but I perceive you as being closer to the beginning of your journey than nearing its end. Don't rush it. 

Of course you are a good catch. You know clothes and cars. What more could a guy ask for?


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## playdohh22 (Dec 4, 2007)

It's funny how you joined a clothing forum to come talk about your relationship. Making a inference from both your two post are posted in this thread, gave me the idea that you joined to talk about your relationships. No offense by any means, I just find it a bit funny. 

But to answer your question. I advise you to just move on - as a few have suggested. Maybe she will change her mind and maybe not. But don't wait for the maybe. And If she happens comes back to you, you then could choose if you want her back or not. But meanwhile just move on, socialize more with your friends and family, keep yourself busy with activities and get a hobby if you currently don't have one. It will keep your mind busy and off of her. *I just read your update* - that's great news ! Some suggestions. You don't have to hate her neither dislike her. If she text you and wishes you well, thats a really nice thing of her to do - at least what I think. She seems like a good person, I think both you and her, remaining as friends won't hurt. Maybe its best if you don't. Unless you are sure that you're completely over her. When you are sure - if you want, you can call her out for a cup of coffee or something. It seems you still have fond memories of her. So, really if you are certain that you are over her, you should call her out sometime. Anyway, I hope you the best.

Stan


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