# Being rude on Forums



## Andy (Aug 25, 2002)

Thank goodness on Forums populated by gentlemen interested in men's clothing we don't have much of this (except one recent instance). :icon_smile:

This from the Wall Street Journal - *Why We Are So Rude Onlie
*
https://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444592404578030351784405148.html


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

I don't think that was the best example.

Pit Bull ownership is as irresponsible as black suit/shirt/chino ownership!!

However, I'll submit a follow up article titled "Why We Are So Freaking Uptight and Sensitive On Line!!"


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## Bjorn (May 2, 2010)

It's a bit like these horrible email conversations you sometimes see in organisations, where someone shoots off an email to someone else whom they (often) have not met nor worked with irl. The other person finds something in it he/she finds vaguely threatening or bad. Then it escalates until there's a pointless conflict about nothing. Human beings like to escalate, especially if they don't have to stare down the opponent.


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## dxrham (Nov 26, 2011)

I would also say that part of the issue of conflict on-line is that actually words make up a small fraction of the communication process. Research from Albert Mehrabian estimated that words make up about 7% of communications while the majority is from from tone (38%) and physical cues (55%). I worked as a directory assistance operator in the late 90's and observed this estimation to be true. Communicating with callers audibly required great care in both my tone and choice of words to avoid conflict with the caller if the information they requested was unavailable. Vocal communications allows for the speaker to inflect emotion in the conversation to assist the listener in both the meaning of what is being said and the attitude of the speaker. By limiting things to the written word, the vocal context clues are eliminated, requiring greater care in word choice to avoid misunderstanding. Despite this, there is still a greater possibility of inadvertently and unintentionally ticking someone off.

-Christopher


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## papa_smurf (May 14, 2012)

I think anonymity is the biggest problem with people online. Facebook is not an example of this for obvious reasons. Forums like this create a hidden persona, they can say whatever they please with really little repercussion. Honestly with the people act in this day and age, I am not even remotely surprised. A prime example of people acting terrible are the active users of Youtube. There is more hate and bigotry then, any other public website except maybe 4chan or a specific hate forum.


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## Haffman (Oct 11, 2010)

Interesting topic, thanks. There is no doubt that it is much easier to be rude to someone through a medium such as the internet, where there is no physical interaction and one is not obliged to register the offence or hurt taken in response to what is said or done. 

Also, when interacting on a forum, you know a person only by the words they write and perhaps some conclusions drawn from the name, avatar and any pictures posted. It is possible for all sorts of misapprehensions to arise this way with very unfortunate consequences....


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

I think people like to be anonymous and they like to stay that way, it's to avoid confrontations with others.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

I'm not sure the ever increasing rudeness in our society is limited to Cyber-interactions. Consider the increasing incidents of road rage on our highways; the increasing and seeming constant use of iphones by restraurant patrons, as their dining partners sit...ignored; our too often demonstrated indifference to those in real need,etc. Society is clearly in a state of decline!


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## Snow Hill Pond (Aug 10, 2011)

eagle2250 said:


> I'm not sure the ever increasing rudeness in our society is limited to Cyber-interactions. Consider the increasing incidents of road rage on our highways; the increasing and seeming constant use of iphones by restraurant patrons, as their dining partners sit...ignored; our too often demonstrated indifference to those in real need,etc. Society is clearly in a state of decline!


Buck up Eagle. This is not new.

Everyone remembers the story of the good Samaritan, but everyone seems to forget that he was the one good person who stopped to help. Men of high standing (a priest and a Levite) did not.

Men of good character were rare back then (even among the high and mighty) and continue to be today. Admire the ones you meet.


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## Snow Hill Pond (Aug 10, 2011)

I'd rather it be this way than having everyone making polite conversation. I'll put up with the slings and arrows, if it means that there is truth in the discussion. I'm tired of polite conversation with its polite lies, big and small. I see enough of that at work every day.


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## drlivingston (Jun 21, 2012)

Snow Hill Pond said:


> I'd rather it be this way than having everyone making polite conversation. I'll put up with the slings and arrows, if it means that there is truth in the discussion. I'm tired of polite conversation with its polite lies, big and small. I see enough of that at work every day.


I agree with you to an extent. We, as a society, should not be devoid of common decency or manners. Sometimes proper manners dictate that opposing parties exchange casual pleasantries without exposing their latent animosity. Athletes "congratulate" one another after a contest, politicians shake hands before a debate, etc.etc. I am all for truthful communication. However, I am also a proponent of civil discourse.


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## Fashion Frank (Jul 14, 2012)

*Why I Like This Forum*

Good day to all you fine GENTLEMEN !

One of the first things that I liked about this Forum was the general attitude displayed by most of the members here, genteel by nature.

I don't think that this is issuse is just limited to the internet , there seems to be more rudeness in our world today in general.

I remember right after 9/ 11 how my church was packed for about two months ,and right after it happened how people in cars were waving on other drivers ,displaying kindness to each other , well that lasted just about as long as the spike in church attendance .

Once the shock of that terrible day wore off, people went right back to being self centered A**holes !

I.M.H.O. this is just a by product of our self centered ego driven world that we live in.

In our local Sunday paper there is a section entiled " all about you" ,and that sums up the problem.

Also in closing its easy to hide behind a screen and say things to people that you would never say in a face to face encounter, people are also becoming chicken s**t's when it comes to laying it on the line .

All the Best , Fashion Frank


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## Snow Hill Pond (Aug 10, 2011)

drlivingston said:


> I agree with you to an extent. We, as a society, should not be devoid of common decency or manners. Sometimes proper manners dictate that opposing parties exchange casual pleasantries without exposing their latent animosity. Athletes "congratulate" one another after a contest, politicians shake hands before a debate, etc.etc. I am all for truthful communication. However, I am also a proponent of civil discourse.


I used to be that way. Unfortunately, the social experiment known as New Jersey has recalibrated my thinking on that subject.

I mentioned the parable about the good Samaritan above. I would find it very hard to be a good samaritan in Camden or Newark at 2AM. That reflects poorly on me....but like I said, men of good character are hard to find.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

Snow Hill Pond said:


> Buck up Eagle. This is not new.
> 
> Everyone remembers the story of the good Samaritan, but everyone seems to forget that he was the one good person who stopped to help. Men of high standing (a priest and a Levite) did not.
> 
> Men of good character were rare back then (even among the high and mighty) and continue to be today. Admire the ones you meet.


There is nothing new under the sun!!


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

Sometimes you just can't be nice but you do have to display a level of niceness.


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## godan (Feb 10, 2010)

Fashion Frank's comment above about the value of the generally genteel attitude is consistent with my ideas. On the clothing fora, I value the depth of knowledge, the willingness to share information and the sense of restraint and moderation usually displayed. This is not a barroom or an English Department faculty meeting. In my view, we are here somewhat in the role of guests on a site Andy owns. Guests, at least those with decent manners, do not make themselves obnoxious.


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

papa_smurf said:


> I think anonymity is the biggest problem with people online. Facebook is not an example of this for obvious reasons. Forums like this create a hidden persona, they can say whatever they please with really little repercussion.


People create a persona behind a screen name, which may or may not be an accurate representation of themselves as a person. Sometimes this is good - a shy person may become more outgoing, a witty person will be have the benefit of time to craft more entertaining responses, someone with poor verbal skills can write poetry. Sometimes this is bad - on the Internet, no one knows you're a dog. No one is going to see you at the grocery store or at the office and connect you with something you posted online under an alias. And sometimes shyness prevents you from being a jerk and saying really horrid things.

Comments on YouTube are by far the worst, although any comments on articles on major news sites can also be appalling.


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Passive-agressive behaviour is a surreptitious but never-the-less exceedingly rude trait. 

Hypothetically: the irony would have been palpable if one of the worst culprits in exhibition of this characteristic might have already posted here, in this very thread, and yet without the least little flash of introspection. 

Had this proposed unseemly post been made then would it be an example of bathos or pathos? How could we know the answer if we were to seek denigration of the English language? 

Thankfully, of course, all of the above is merely good-natured speculation offered to my fellow members for their amusement.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

Snow Hill Pond said:


> Buck up Eagle. This is not new.
> 
> Everyone remembers the story of the good Samaritan, but everyone seems to forget that he was the one good person who stopped to help. Men of high standing (a priest and a Levite) did not.
> 
> Men of good character were rare back then (even among the high and mighty) and continue to be today. Admire the ones you meet.


Of course, Snow Hill Pond, you are spot-on with your observation. However, the problem is...I really hate the onset of the iphone phenomenon. They seem to have taken over mankind and have usurped any sense of social propriety we may have once enjoyed...our manners were bad enough before the iphone and now have further degraded to being intolerable. Besides, if people are focusing on their damnedable iphones, (LOL!) how-oh-how are they going to invest appropriate notice in my sartorial finery?


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## Snow Hill Pond (Aug 10, 2011)

eagle2250 said:


> Of course, Snow Hill Pond, you are spot-on with your observation. However, the problem is...I really hate the onset of the iphone phenomenon. They seem to have taken over mankind and have usurped any sense of social propriety we may have once enjoyed...our manners were bad enough before the iphone and now have further degraded to being intolerable. Besides, if people are focusing on their damnedable iphones, (LOL!) how-oh-how are they going to invest appropriate notice in my sartorial finery?


Totally agree about the iPhone. Unfortunately, the solution will take a generation (or longer to fix). It'll take people of good manners teaching their kids (one at a time) what is appropriate and what is not...and then they must teach their kids, and hopefully all along the way, the kids influence their friends to behave similarly. Eveentually, you'll have enough people to join in a conspiracy of manners.


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## MikeDT (Aug 22, 2009)

eagle2250 said:


> I'm not sure the ever increasing rudeness in our society is limited to Cyber-interactions. Consider the increasing incidents of road rage on our highways; the increasing and seeming *constant use of iphones by restraurant patrons*, as their dining partners sit...ignored; our too often demonstrated indifference to those in real need,etc. Society is clearly in a state of decline!


^^
This.

You no longer need to be sat at your PC to be rude and be a total idiot online, you can now do it anywhere you like.


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## dba (Oct 22, 2010)

Snow Hill Pond said:


> Eveentually, you'll have enough people to join in a conspiracy of _*GOOD*_ manners.


 Fixed it for you.:smile:

While I love the technology of the smart phones, (yes, I possess one of the dreaded iPhones), I learned how to behave in a civil manner while growing up in the early 60's. My brothers and I used to joke that my father hit for distance when discipline was applied. He wasn't unfair, he told us to modify our behavior prior; and he wasn't a bully. My mother wasn't above giving her children a tune up when it was needed either; there was never the "Wait until your father comes home BS." When it was done, it was done and forgotten.

We all sat for dinner together and we talked about the day's events, or whatever small talk needed to be discussed. The point is we engaged each other and we learned how to engage other people in a polite, civil manner that often did include differences of opinion. Rudeness wasn't tolerated; however passion for your point was always encouraged.

With my own children, I'll entertain a text or two and then their phone or my phone will ring. I'll not allow full conversations with me via text. When we sit for a meal, the phones are not allowed. They are naturally shy because they live with their mother who is a shy woman, so I'm trying to help them learn to communicate via their voice and presence. I've explained to them ad infinitum that their future livelihoods will depend on their ability to communicate face to face without an iPhone in their hands.

As for hiding behind an avatar or some other forum tool, I remember a quote attributed to Edward R. Murrow who said, "Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world, doesn't mean you are wiser than when it only reached to the end of the bar."


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## Snow Hill Pond (Aug 10, 2011)

dba said:


> Fixed it for you.:smile:
> 
> We all sat for dinner together and we talked about the day's events, or whatever small talk needed to be discussed. The point is we engaged each other and we learned how to engage other people in a polite, civil manner that often did include differences of opinion. Rudeness wasn't tolerated; however passion for your point was always encouraged."


Thanks for the fix.

I'm so glad you mentioned sitting down to dinner. I encourage the same thing in my home. To the point that I wake up at 4:30 each morning to make my 90-minute commute to work so that I can arrive back home in time for dinner at 6PM. I also make it a point to rouse my three sons out of bed early on Saturday to have breakfast at the local diner before we run our errands. And finally, I wake up early on Sunday (once you habitually wake at 4:30 it's hard to sleep in) to make biscuits for the family before they head out to CCD. During each of these events we're talking to each other and, slowly, learning public and at-home table manners.

My wife asks why it's so important to go to the diner on Saturday and also to have biscuits on Sunday. I say that the kids aren't going to remember the meaningless toys that they got on some birthday or Christmas, but they will remember for the rest of their lives these simple rituals, and they'll be better for it...possibly doing the same for their family one day.


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## dba (Oct 22, 2010)

Snow Hill Pond said:


> My wife asks why it's so important to go to the diner on Saturday and also to have biscuits on Sunday. I say that the kids aren't going to remember the meaningless toys that they got on some birthday or Christmas, but they will remember for the rest of their lives these simple rituals, and they'll be better for it...possibly doing the same for their family one day.


I'm 57 and my dad has been gone 20 years this month. I don't remember the toys or gifts. I do remember the talks we had; especially as I got older. He loved breakfast and on occasion, we'd go to IHOP even for dinner.

I gave him a coffee mug I found with a Mark Twain quote on it that went: "_*When I was 14 my father was so stupid I could hardly stand to have the old man around. When I turned 21 I was astonished to find out how much he learned in seven years." *_He loved it and used it until the day he died. Afterwards, my mom gave it back to me. It has a place of honor on the hutch, never to be used again.


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