# Work Junk that Drives a Normal Person Crazy



## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

First, I think of myself as a "creative type" and my position more or less matches what I like to do. Second, I chose my career field because I find most of the business side of the work world boring in the extreme. My academic adviser steered me to journalism, English, and art as major choices because he understood clearly that I have no head, or heart, for economics or for workplace flowcharts. 

So... I, along with two other creatives, are now tasked to visit the first hour of our "senior leadership's business plan strategizing retreat," and come prepared to convey our thoughts about the following, and I quote:

The retreat will generally be focused on preparing ourselves to launch FY16 business planning activities. Please plan to join us from noon-1 pm (lunch on us). Please consider the following questions (and we will do the same):

1.) How can we best develop strategy in the FY16 business plan and beyond?
2.) What are the “non-negotiables” in our partnership and in our work products?
3.) What should we keep doing, start doing, and stop doing to ensure maximum impact and efficiency?

End quote.

Like... W. T. F. ??? You're asking me?! Aren't you guys the business leaders? You tell us. "Non-negotiables" in our partnership? Huh? Well, I guess, #1, don't fire me when I come to this meeting and tell you I don't know what the eff you're talking about.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I guess I could just go in prepared to say, "Thank you for this opportunity. I'm afraid I don't understand the questions." I think that is honest, direct, and clear.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

Duvel said:


> (lunch on us).


That's all I needed to hear!!


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Ha! "Thank you for this opportunity. I'm afraid I can't answer your questions because my mouth is full."



WouldaShoulda said:


> That's all I needed to hear!!


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## SG_67 (Mar 22, 2014)

As long as no one asks you about the TPS reports.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

The what? Oh yeah.... Office Space. "No, that's all right, I-I've got the memo..."


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## Woofa (Dec 23, 2014)

More importantly, what are you planning on wearing to the meeting?


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Yep. That is key, isn't it.



Woofa said:


> More importantly, what are you planning on wearing to the meeting?


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

This should be a snap.

Use the word "stakeholders" at least eight times during your presentation. Throw in plenty of "maximizes" and "grows." It never hurts to "internalize"--in fact, the more words that end with "ize," the better off you will be. Opportunity, opportunity, opportunity--never forget opportunity. You should avoid "crisis." And don't forget "disincentive." The vowels will be your least worry. Just write a whole bunch picked at random from a dictionary on a big piece of paper, tack the paper to a wall and throw darts. Alternatively, put the paper on the floor and let your dog, well fed and dosed with laxatives, into the room and go with whatever the mutt marks.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Yep. Incentivize.

I may borrow freely from Garrison Keillor: https://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2012/05/12/scripts/poem.shtml

I like this part: We're looking at a holistic approach across diverse platforms, above board, so we can cycle through and incentivize, parachute in, sit down and knife and fork this thing out so we can move the needle.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

The new vp here loves to quantify our jobs. I was asked to give a percentage for how much time I spend in one area of my job. I replied that it was 100 percent because, as an integral part of my job, it requires that I necessarily think about it all the time when I consider or undertake any other aspect of my job.

I haven't heard back.


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

Duvel said:


> I guess I could just go in prepared to say, "Thank you for this opportunity. I'm afraid I don't understand the questions." I think that is honest, direct, and clear.


Sounds like an excellent idea.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

MaxBuck said:


> Sounds like an excellent idea.


Sounds like an excellent way to get fired.

I think the OP is getting the right idea. "Holistic" is a good word to use, as is "synergy" and "partner with" (actually two words, but no one will notice). And it's hard to beat "transparent."


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## Oak City Trad (Aug 2, 2014)

Duvel said:


> Yep. Incentivize.
> 
> I may borrow freely from Garrison Keillor: https://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2012/05/12/scripts/poem.shtml
> 
> I like this part: We're looking at a holistic approach across diverse platforms, above board, so we can cycle through and incentivize, parachute in, sit down and knife and fork this thing out so we can move the needle.


Absolute gamechanger.


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## Barrister & Solicitor (Jan 10, 2007)

You could also prepare a one-pager. That, my friend, won't be a show - stopper!


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

32rollandrock said:


> Sounds like an excellent way to get fired.
> 
> I think the OP is getting the right idea. "Holistic" is a good word to use, as is "synergy" and "partner with" (actually two words, but no one will notice). And it's hard to beat "transparent."


So you think the way to prosper in business is to bullshit your bosses?

Glad you didn't work for me. Honesty may not always be the best policy, but it'll do until something better comes along.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

MaxBuck said:


> So you think the way to prosper in business is to bullshit your bosses?
> 
> Glad you didn't work for me. Honesty may not always be the best policy, but it'll do until something better comes along.


I don't much care about prospering in business. I do care about making a living and keeping food on my table. And I have bullshitted more bosses than you can imagine. I have learned the hard way that being honest doesn't pay as many dividends as BS when it comes to working in certain environments. The OP is describing a scenario which I have seen all too often, which is to say, no one would assign such a task if his own money was at stake. The corporate world allows for a whole bunch of dead wood, and people who make such assignments are generally dead wood. I have also worked in environments where honesty and performance are valued. Those are the best environments to work in. Unfortunately, we all can't work in such environments, and so we have to play the hands we're dealt as best we can.


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## phyrpowr (Aug 30, 2009)

Find a used bookstore and see if they have some old "Dilbert" books by Scott Adams. All the BS buzzwords and catchphrases are in there, and you'll pick up pretty quickly how to string them together. Be sure to take ownership of your opportunity, and get buy-in from co-workers. Shift a paradigm while being customer facing, EPA, EEOC and CIA-compliant, with Total Quality. Or at least read them so you won't feel so all alone in your confusion.


I always hated these "strategizing" meetings. Simple suggestions, e.g., eliminating some useless report, were always blown off, and what was decided on just boiled down to "We intend to move in a positive direction", more or less. And you always have to be careful about what is said about some higher-up's pet project or person. For instance, your answer to question #3 might be "get rid of the manager in X Dept.", and he is the Sr. VP's favorite. 

MaxBuck, I was never less than honest with a boss who asked about some specific thing, but I'm with Duvel in being rather confused in how to answer these vague, open-ended queries that I have no real say in to begin with.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

The best gigs I've had were ones where there were zero directives--I don't care when you get to the office or if you get to the office, just deliver high quality product on time. Period. No strategy meetings, in fact, very few meetings at all, and those that were held never lasted more than 30 minutes. If you didn't deliver, you got fired. It was that simple. In one such company, someone didn't show up for the weekly mandatory meeting in which neither words nor time was wasted. It occurred to co-workers that this person hadn't been seen since the last meeting. Turned out, he was dead. Found him stiff as a board in his apartment. Only time he didn't make deadline, no pun intended.


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## Odradek (Sep 1, 2011)

Duvel said:


> Yep. Incentivize.
> 
> I may borrow freely from Garrison Keillor: https://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2012/05/12/scripts/poem.shtml
> 
> I like this part: We're looking at a holistic approach across diverse platforms, above board, so we can cycle through and incentivize, parachute in, sit down and knife and fork this thing out so we can move the needle.


I'd recommend watching some of the excellent, self-mocking BBC series W1A.
Not sure if whole episodes are available online outside of the UK, but there are several clips on YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=W1A


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

LOL. Well, the deadwood in this case is our v.p. Newly hired last summer. Kind of a bull in the shop kind of leader, rushes in, changes things without asking. This gives the appearance that he's asking. I think.



32rollandrock said:


> I don't much care about prospering in business. I do care about making a living and keeping food on my table. And I have bullshitted more bosses than you can imagine. I have learned the hard way that being honest doesn't pay as many dividends as BS when it comes to working in certain environments. The OP is describing a scenario which I have seen all too often, which is to say, no one would assign such a task if his own money was at stake. The corporate world allows for a whole bunch of dead wood, and people who make such assignments are generally dead wood. I have also worked in environments where honesty and performance are valued. Those are the best environments to work in. Unfortunately, we all can't work in such environments, and so we have to play the hands we're dealt as best we can.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

The sad thing is, I have, as a team leader and a manager other places, actually led such things, e.g., building a strategy for the year or whatever, writing mission and vision statements, etc. But there's a right way to do these things. You keep it concrete. Yes, there is naturally some abstraction because it gets into what an organization thinks is important. But you find a way to bring it out of the clouds and put in real workday terms.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

Duvel said:


> The sad thing is, I have, as a team leader and a manager other places, actually led such things, e.g., building a strategy for the year or whatever, writing mission and vision statements, etc. But there's a right way to do these things. You keep it concrete. Yes, there is naturally some abstraction because it gets into what an organization thinks is important. But you find a way to bring it out of the clouds and put in real workday terms.


Meh. If you have to write out a mission statement to know what you are trying to accomplish, you will never know what you are trying to do, no matter how much you try.


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## phyrpowr (Aug 30, 2009)

Duvel said:


> The sad thing is, I have, as a team leader and a manager other places, actually led such things, e.g., building a strategy for the year or whatever, writing mission and vision statements, etc. But there's a right way to do these things. You keep it concrete. Yes, there is naturally some abstraction because it gets into what an organization thinks is important. But you find a way to bring it out of the clouds and put in real workday terms.


My limited experience is that the people who really get into meetings about writing "mission statements" are the very ones who never quite got what the outfit actually did. Lots of form over substance, with language that'll sound dated in six months. But they sure are enthusiastic.


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## Canadian (Jan 17, 2008)

I remember being let go from a very good job because I had the nerve to go to a doctor's appointment with a specialist and skip a staff meeting.

My boss actually said to me, "Tell them you're busy and you'll see them tomorrow.". 

Suffice it to say, in the future, my health needs to take a backseat to attending more BS meetings.

C.


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

phyrpowr said:


> MaxBuck, I was never less than honest with a boss who asked about some specific thing, but I'm with Duvel in being rather confused in how to answer these vague, open-ended queries that I have no real say in to begin with.


Right, I'm with you. So if you don't know how to answer a confusing question, isn't the rational response to the confusion to ask for clarification? Perhaps the boss isn't quite the dolt that Duvel's query seems to suggest, and with a bit more prompting the boss's real purpose in this exercise might be revealed. Or perhaps he is a dolt, but either way if you don't know what a boss's question means the best response is to ask for clarification IMO.

Then again, I was unsuccessful in rising above vice presidential level in any company I worked for, so I may not be a good resource.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

MaxBuck said:


> Right, I'm with you. So if you don't know how to answer a confusing question, isn't the rational response to the confusion to ask for clarification? Perhaps the boss isn't quite the dolt that Duvel's query seems to suggest, and with a bit more prompting the boss's real purpose in this exercise might be revealed. Or perhaps he is a dolt, but either way if you don't know what a boss's question means the best response is to ask for clarification IMO.
> 
> Then again, I was unsuccessful in rising above vice presidential level in any company I worked for, so I may not be a good resource.


You never know. I once wanted an assignment that I knew that I would never get. So I asked: Please, whatever you do, don't give me that assignment. Guess what happened?

I have worked for more idiots than geniuses, perhaps because I've worked for more corporations than companies where the people whose money was at stake were there every day, keeping track of things. From the OP, it very much appears that this is a Dilbert situation.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

It seems to be. Here, v.p. level and above pretty much means dolt. These are the abstract thinkers, the big picture guys, who want the workers to put their unfathomable theories into practice somehow. They're also steamrollers. This same v.p. asked me into his office this morning to get my opinion on a strategy he was thinking about, and when it was clear that my opinion didn't match what he was thinking, his eyes glazed over and he ended our talk with "Well, thank you, it's good to always get another view on these things." 

Yeah. Right.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

I've told this story before, but I will again.

I once locked horns with an idiot who kissed enough butt to rise to middle management. The details aren't important, but I caught him in a lie, a provable lie, and also his supervisor, who promised that he would meet with me in confidence to hear my concerns, then, against my protests, called in his lying underling--the subject of my complaint--to brow beat me. A pair of regular Fibber McGee's going tag team, shouting and thumping the table and shaking fingers in my face. It was fairly surreal. After excusing myself from the room as quickly as possible, I wrote a long email to the corporation's general counsel and cc'd to the director of human resources, outlining what had happened and suggesting that neither one of them should be drawing paychecks from the company. Two days later, the head weasel called me into his office to apologize. I'm so, so, so sorry, he weaseled in his best weasel tone. A week or so later, it was the other liar's turn. I'm so, so, so sorry--couldn't it have been a misunderstanding? I told him that he was a liar and that he knew that as well as I did and that to even suggest otherwise was to insult his intelligence and mine. The best part was, I happened to be wearing this tie: 

I got out of that company as fast as I could. Life's too short. The underling weasel left shortly thereafter. It is my understanding that he became a Realtor.


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## Dhaller (Jan 20, 2008)

For me, it's just the hideous jargon of business.

Getting an email asking me to "reach out" to a client, or referring to a market as a "space", and just the general opposition to the Scottish school of writing, which teaches us that Less if More: in business, Less too easily reveals incompetence, and so More is invoked as a smokescreen.

"Team up" always infuriates me, as well, and will continue to do so until the distant day I am issued a spandex uniform and told to Fight Crime, at which point I will happily "team up" with fellow superheroes.

DH


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Duvel said:


> Work Junk that Drives a Normal Person Crazy


1. An Agency Communication Section who can't communicate very well internally and spend most of their time arguing with each other.

2. Some of the Stone Age routines initiated due to increased downsizing and increased outsourcing e.g. having to print out and then scan invoices received digitally and then send the scan to the outsourced invoicing service rather than simply being allowed to send them the digital invoice by email with one button click.

3. Coffee machines that break down.

4. Work colleagues who think everyone should be pleasant to everyone else all the time and who think everyone should be friends and socialise outside work. NEWSFLASH wage slaves! This is just how I earn money, it is not a vocation. You are not my friends. No, I do not want to go for a drink after work or to any retirement or birthday parties or house warmings. Leave me alone! I hate people!


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

Earl of Ormonde said:


> ... Work colleagues who think everyone should be pleasant to everyone else all the time and who think everyone should be friends and socialise outside work. NEWSFLASH wage slaves! This is just how I earn money, it is not a vocation. You are my friends. No, I do not want to go for a drink after work or to any retirement or birthday parties or house warmings. Leave me alone! I hate people!


Good Lord, I'm glad you and I don't work together. One or the other of us would wind up dead, either at one another's hands or at one or more of our co-workers'.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

I prefer being blamed for a backlog created by everyone not showing up to work because I'm one of the fvew people that showed up to work.

That's nice.


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## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

MaxBuck said:


> Good Lord, I'm glad you and I don't work together. One or the other of us would wind up dead, either at one another's hands or at one or more of our co-workers'.


You didn't see the winking smiley faces then? Nevermind.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Well, my mates and I got together, the three of us assigned to answer the questions, and we actually came up with some "stuff" (take that as you will) in response. Then we ended the meeting with a good laugh over the realization that we'll get in there and the boss will tell us that we obviously didn't understand the questions. We also all agreed that this is a gratuitous move on the part of the boss, to give the illusion of "inclusion," as they say these days. He'll do whatever the hell he wants regardless of what we say.


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## phyrpowr (Aug 30, 2009)

Duvel said:


> Well, my mates and I got together, the three of us assigned to answer the questions, and we actually came up with some "stuff" (take that as you will) in response. Then we ended the meeting with a good laugh over the realization that we'll get in there and the boss will tell us that we obviously didn't understand the questions. We also all agreed that this is a gratuitous move on the part of the boss, to give the illusion of "inclusion," as they say these days. He'll do whatever the hell he wants regardless of what we say.


Be a little careful: the kind of people who take this crap seriously (and not just current bosses) have a bad habit of ending up in a place where they can block reasonable suggestions, out of pique if nothing else.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

And what can one do about that? I feel that there's nothing. It will be what it will be, i.e., they who will outmaneuver us will do so.



phyrpowr said:


> Be a little careful: the kind of people who take this crap seriously (and not just current bosses) have a bad habit of ending up in a place where they can block reasonable suggestions, out of pique if nothing else.


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## pleasehelp (Sep 8, 2005)

To the OP, please tell me if the following properly describes the fact pattern:

A) You are involved in the creative/development/product side of a business.
B) The management / business development people of your business are seeking a meeting with you in order to get your thoughts.

If I'm correct then I think this is a smart decision by your management, and something that good companies do. Many companies suffer because the management doesn't understand the abilities and constraints on the product side, and the product side doesn't understand the resources, connections, broad company goals and market dynamics. This meetings appears to be aimed at bridging that gap.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

pleasehelp said:


> To the OP, please tell me if the following properly describes the fact pattern:
> 
> A) You are involved in the creative/development/product side of a business.
> B) The management / business development people of your business are seeking a meeting with you in order to get your thoughts.
> ...


Not necessarily. I've seen way more occasions when managers do this simply so they can say that they solicited input when they knew from the very beginning exactly what they were going to do. I suspect it's somewhere in Management 101 courses or self-help books for managers. It's extremely irritating because it is condescending and wastes your time when you could be accomplishing something. The OP is in the best position to know what's really going on.


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## phyrpowr (Aug 30, 2009)

Duvel said:


> And what can one do about that? I feel that there's nothing. It will be what it will be, i.e., they who will outmaneuver us will do so.


Just don't exercise all of your undoubted powers of repartee.


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## gaseousclay (Nov 8, 2009)

the only work junk I have to deal with is a disgusting coworker who constantly leaves a trail behind him when he uses the toilet. bloody disgusting. And to think, this guy is married and has 2 daughters. makes me wonder if he pulls this [email protected] at home (no pun intended). i've now developed OCD about cleaning the toilet before I use it. should I leave a passive/aggressive note for him stating he needs to get his proverbial sh!t together? or is that a workplace faux paus (or shall I say faux poo)?


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

The fact pattern you describe is essentially correct. But facts alone do not make up the truth. The truth in this case is more what 32 describes.



pleasehelp said:


> To the OP, please tell me if the following properly describes the fact pattern:
> 
> A) You are involved in the creative/development/product side of a business.
> B) The management / business development people of your business are seeking a meeting with you in order to get your thoughts.
> ...


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## pleasehelp (Sep 8, 2005)

It seems to me that if you approach this as if it is a rigged exercise then it is unlikely to yield positive results for anyone. If you approach it as if it is a sincere effort to improve the company then it has the potential of being helpful. I management is incentivized through appropriate metrics, and you can fashion your answers in a manner to help management achieve these metrics then I think you'll find success.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

pleasehelp said:


> It seems to me that if you approach this as if it is a rigged exercise then it is unlikely to yield positive results for anyone. If you approach it as if it is a sincere effort to improve the company then it has the potential of being helpful. I management is incentivized through appropriate metrics, and you can fashion your answers in a manner to help management achieve these metrics then I think you'll find success.


This is the most brilliant thing I have ever read on AAAC.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

pleasehelp said:


> It seems to me that if you approach this as if it is a rigged exercise then it is unlikely to yield positive results for anyone. If you approach it as if it is a sincere effort to improve the company then it has the potential of being helpful. I management is incentivized through appropriate metrics, and you can fashion your answers in a manner to help management achieve these metrics then I think you'll find success.


So much for "you can't **** a shitter!!"


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I think "incentivize" means to give people the incentive to do things. It's like motivate. I was taught in all my management training throughout my career that one cannot "motivate" people, that people motivate themselves because motivation comes from within--you do something because you want to, even if it seems like you're doing it because someone says you have to. So I have trouble with the idea that my leaders or any of us are going to "incentivate" me or any of us. I also don't really know what "metrics" means.

In any case, my mates and I developed a concise, one-page talking paper that we'll use as a reference in case we're incentivized to talk at this thing.



pleasehelp said:


> It seems to me that if you approach this as if it is a rigged exercise then it is unlikely to yield positive results for anyone. If you approach it as if it is a sincere effort to improve the company then it has the potential of being helpful. I management is incentivized through appropriate metrics, and you can fashion your answers in a manner to help management achieve these metrics then I think you'll find success.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

Duvel said:


> I think "incentivize" means to give people the incentive to do things. It's like motivate. I was taught in all my management training throughout my career that one cannot "motivate" people, that people motivate themselves because motivation comes from within--you do something because you want to, even if it seems like you're doing it because someone says you have to.


Are you deliberately trying to talk yourself out of more money??


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

WouldaShoulda said:


> Are you deliberately trying to talk yourself out of more money??


Some things are more important than money. And if you're going to be a tool, you should demand top Sears Craftsman dollar.


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

32rollandrock said:


> Some things are more important than money. And if you're going to be a tool, you should demand top Sears Craftsman dollar.


Satisfaction Guaranteed, or Your Money Back.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I don't get your meaning. The meeting has nothing to do with my salary or earning potential. It doesn't even have to do with my job security, even in the remotest (unless I get so bored that I fall asleep in my chair, wake up in a start, and shout out in my dazed state that my boss is fruity prig). It has nothing to do with making money. We're using "business strategy" in the very broadest sense, as in, how do we get our work done and how do we all get along in order to get it done.



WouldaShoulda said:


> Are you deliberately trying to talk yourself out of more money??


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

Duvel said:


> We're using "business strategy" in the very broadest sense, as in, how do we get our work done and how do we all get along in order to get it done.


I could have sworn you were talking about motivation and implying that money doesn't motivate people, which may have some basis in fact, but I don't point that out to the guy that pays me!!


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I see. Sorry. Well, I know money "motivates" me, for sure. But again, that's me deciding that money will be a motivating force. If I had different values, I might feel more motivated by something entirely different, e.g., getting to hang on to my red Swingline stapler.



WouldaShoulda said:


> I could have sworn you were talking about motivation and implying that money doesn't motivate people, which may have some basis in fact, but I don't point that out to the guy that pays me!!


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## pleasehelp (Sep 8, 2005)

Duvel said:


> I think "incentivize" means to give people the incentive to do things. It's like motivate. I was taught in all my management training throughout my career that one cannot "motivate" people, that people motivate themselves because motivation comes from within--you do something because you want to, even if it seems like you're doing it because someone says you have to. So I have trouble with the idea that my leaders or any of us are going to "incentivate" me or any of us. I also don't really know what "metrics" means.
> 
> In any case, my mates and I developed a concise, one-page talking paper that we'll use as a reference in case we're incentivized to talk at this thing.


In most companies, management compensation is related to achieving certain goals in some manner. For example, in simple terms if straight common equity forms a portion of the management compensation, the idea is that the managers' are incentivized to try to grow the equity value of the company. Another simple example is that a manager may need to achieve sales numbers of X in order to keep his/her job.

In more complicated structures, the goals might be more specific (e.g., cut X cost from this portion of the business in order to achieve Y bonus). In their totality, these various criteria are often referred to as the metrics applied to management under the management comp scheme. If you can figure out how to provide input in a manner that improves your company while specifically helping achieve these various metrics applicable to your managers, then I think you'll have the best chance of turning this into an exercise that will yield results.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

Duvel said:


> I see. Sorry. Well, I know money "motivates" me, for sure. But again, that's me deciding that money will be a motivating force. If I had different values, I might feel more motivated by something entirely different, e.g., getting to hang on to my *red Swingline stapler*.


For some reason, makes me think of my Rolodex(es). I'll never put my phone numbers in a computer.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

You lost me after "equity." However, this is academia. The normal business stuff doesn't work here. The most we can hope to get incentivized by is our automatic January 1-percent "cost of living" increase, and with any luck and a decent performance review, maybe a 1.75-percent merit pay raise once a year.

Last year, after all was said and done, computing increases minus tax withholding and the like, I think I came ahead by about 7 extra dollars a month in my pocket. But hey, that's a decent necktie here on the exchange!



pleasehelp said:


> In most companies, management compensation is related to achieving certain goals in some manner. For example, in simple terms if straight common equity forms a portion of the management compensation, the idea is that the managers' are incentivized to try to grow the equity value of the company. Another simple example is that a manager may need to achieve sales numbers of X in order to keep his/her job.
> 
> In more complicated structures, the goals might be more specific (e.g., cut X cost from this portion of the business in order to achieve Y bonus). In their totality, these various criteria are often referred to as the metrics applied to management under the management comp scheme. If you can figure out how to provide input in a manner that improves your company while specifically helping achieve these various metrics applicable to your managers, then I think you'll have the best chance of turning this into an exercise that will yield results.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Well, we survived the meeting. I offered a few observations that probably sounded like I didn't say much but at least I made my presence known. My "takeaways": We're going to move the needle; we're going to navigate pillars; we're going to leverage resources; we're going to remain considerate of our time and capacity. The last made the most sense to me.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

Duvel said:


> Well, we survived the meeting. I offered a few observations that probably sounded like I didn't say much but at least I made my presence known. My "takeaways": We're going to move the needle; we're going to navigate pillars; we're going to leverage resources; we're going to remain considerate of our time and capacity. The last made the most sense to me.


Don't forget doing more with less, which will be accomplished by increasing the nimble factor.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

That would describe both a non-negotiable and a promised deliverable.

Damn, this gets easier the more you do it. Scary.



32rollandrock said:


> Don't forget doing more with less, which will be accomplished by increasing the nimble factor.


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

32rollandrock said:


> I'll never put my phone numbers in a computer.


You can't make a comment like this without the obligatory followup: "And stay off my lawn!"


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## phyrpowr (Aug 30, 2009)

Duvel said:


> That would describe both a non-negotiable and a promised deliverable.
> 
> Damn, this gets easier the more you do it. Scary.


When it seems like it makes sense, RUN!


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

Okay, we made it through the damn retreats. Nothing has changed. Whoopee.

So... Here's a new irritation. My coworker's phone must be connected to every goddamn social medium out there. What the hell. It sits on her desk and buzzes, loudly, every 30 seconds. It's like Chinese water torture. 

I found a phone buzz sound effect online. I'm going to start retaliating if this does not stop.


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## 32rollandrock (May 1, 2008)

Try this.

Approach this person and politely ask him/her to put the phone on silent, non-vibrate mode. In most cases, the request can be made diplomatically. They don't put up with vibrating phones in courtrooms for good reason: It's distracting. You shouldn't have to put up with it when you're trying to get work done.



Duvel said:


> Okay, we made it through the damn retreats. Nothing has changed. Whoopee.
> 
> So... Here's a new irritation. My coworker's phone must be connected to every goddamn social medium out there. What the hell. It sits on her desk and buzzes, loudly, every 30 seconds. It's like Chinese water torture.
> 
> I found a phone buzz sound effect online. I'm going to start retaliating if this does not stop.


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## Duvel (Mar 16, 2014)

I know. I've considered that, actually. I do worry, though, about getting seen as the grumpy old man. I think I'm seen as "older" to begin with, and grumpier; I had to firmly chastise some kids in the cubicle next to me who were talking so loudly that I could not hear the person, an important alum and donor, on the other end of our international call. I felt like the old man yelling at the kids on his lawn.

So I suffer in silence and vent online.



32rollandrock said:


> Try this.
> 
> Approach this person and politely ask him/her to put the phone on silent, non-vibrate mode. In most cases, the request can be made diplomatically. They don't put up with vibrating phones in courtrooms for good reason: It's distracting. You shouldn't have to put up with it when you're trying to get work done.


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## Gurdon (Feb 7, 2005)

People can be annoying. They may not be terribly smart. Sometimes we have to report to people who are our intellectual and moral inferiors. In all these instances I try to imagine that the individuals in question are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Treating the people to whom we report with reasonable decency can be an effective workplace survival strategy.

Regards,
Gurdon


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Duvel said:


> Okay, we made it through the damn retreats. Nothing has changed. Whoopee.
> 
> So... Here's a new irritation. My coworker's phone must be connected to every goddamn social medium out there. What the hell. It sits on her desk and buzzes, loudly, every 30 seconds. It's like Chinese water torture.
> 
> I found a phone buzz sound effect online. I'm going to start retaliating if this does not stop.


I have found that callous mockery can be an enormously viable tool whilst endeavouring to modify the aberrant behaviour of insufferably vulgar co-workers. I now exist in that happy state where, having adequately trained the once recalcitrant malefactors, a mere raising of my shapely eyebrow will cause shamed blushes amongst those who offend my sensibilities - as example, uttering the word 'random' inappropriately.


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## Chouan (Nov 11, 2009)

Shaver said:


> I have found that callous mockery can be an enormously viable tool whilst endeavouring to modify the aberrant behaviour of insufferably vulgar co-workers. I now exist in that happy state where, having adequately trained the once recalcitrant malefactors, a mere raising of my shapely eyebrow will cause shamed blushes amongst those who offend my sensibilities - as example, uttering the word 'random' inappropriately.


Indeed, ridicule can be a useful tool in many areas of endeavour.


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