# Does one say anything to an anorexic co-worker?



## tocqueville (Nov 15, 2009)

In the past six months a colleague has declined from looking like a marathon runner to looking she just got liberated from Auschwitz. Every time I have to work with her I find myself squirming because she just looks so sick. I'm presuming she has anorexia, although I suppose she could be suffering from some other ailments, but usually people who are sick talk about it at least enough for the rumor mill to do its thing. In her case, there are no rumors, just an awkward collective shaking of the head. We are all wondering the same thing: does one say anything? If so, what? Silence strikes me as immoral.


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## Mox (May 30, 2012)

That is a difficult one. Anorexia, if that is what it is, tends to fall in to the same realm as addiction, with deep underlying causes. From what I've seen, there is very little someone can do from the outside if the person does not see that there is a problem or you are not a part of their life.

There are a couple website with what looks like good advice:

https://marcel285.hubpages.com/hub/Understanding-anorexia-nervosa-and-what-you-can-do-to-help


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Hello tocqueville

as I have indicated in other threads I have some significant personal experience of aberrant restrictive calorific intake syndromes. I will PM you, if you dont mind, rather than post in public forum.

It's late here in the UK so please expect the message tommorow.


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## tocqueville (Nov 15, 2009)

Shaver said:


> Hello tocqueville
> 
> as I have indicated in other threads I have some significant personal experience of aberrant restrictive calorific intake syndromes. I will PM you, if you dont mind, rather than post in public forum.
> 
> It's late here in the UK so please expect the message tommorow.


Sleep.


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## CuffDaddy (Feb 26, 2009)

So how do you imagine this playing out? So you've "said something." What's the something? What reaction do you legitimately hope for?

You: "Hey, you're looking pretty emaciated and terrible there. Do you have some wasting disease, or are you just that kind of crazy that doesn't eat?"

Them: "Oh, sh!t, I totally forgot to eat last month. You don't happen to have a cheeseburger on you, do you?"

I don't mean to be flip, I just don't much see the point of co-workers with no particular *personal *connection trying to stage some sort of intervention. The impulse (which I understand) strikes me as fundamentally being about wanting to feel a particular way at the person's funeral: "Well, I said something, and she just couldn't accept it. So sad [that she deserved her fate]." The likelihood of a (squirmy) co-worker saying anything that fundamentally alters her relationship with food seems unlikely at best.

Maybe this is an old-fashioned view that is out of step with today's "silence kills" notions. But I cannot see any good coming from it. I defer, of course, to those with real experience and/or training dealing with the incredibly difficult challenges of eating disorders.

One final thought: before anyone opens their yap, check with HR. They may have rather strong views about one or more co-workers publicly and negatively assessing another co-worker's physique, regardless of any good intentions.


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## Starch (Jun 28, 2010)

Is it just me, or does anyone else think this a pretty odd choice of fora for asking the question?

What I know (which isn't that much): It's a psychological disorder that's fairly widespread. That leads me to suspect that there are a good number of people who are actually recognized as experts on the subject. It's not impossible that one of them posts here, but it would be a bit of a coincidence.

A couple links ... a little more searching would reveal more, I'm sure:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ 
https://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anorexia/DS00606

On re-reading that, it sounds a bit more snarky than I intended. FWIW: I don't think having some concern for the health of a co-worker is inappropriate or weird: it's laudable. My contribution (such as it is) is that there are (I think) reliable and fairly accessible resources, based on actual expertise, that may be helpful.


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## tocqueville (Nov 15, 2009)

It is an odd choice to bring up such a topic here. But it was very much on my mind when I logged on since I had just come from a meeting with said person.

I suppose that there really is no point in my saying anything, since it can't possibly do any good.


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## Haffman (Oct 11, 2010)

tocqueville said:


> I suppose that there really is no point in my saying anything, since it can't possibly do any good.


I think your instincts here are right. There is a much greater likelihood of an extremely negative reaction to any intervention, regardless of the good intentions. An intervention would in any case be very difficult for a work colleague to sensitively articulate as CuffDaddy has outlined.

Assuming the problem is what you fear, you will have to hope that she has loved ones who are able to reach her in the right way. Even then, she has to be in the right place to want help. And even then, the road to recovery is a very, very difficult one.


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## Orsini (Apr 24, 2007)

Unless you are good friends, I would not do this. She might prefer not to talk about it. And, as has been suggested, there might be untoward consequences. 

The secretary usually knows the score. I'd ask her -- discreetly.


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## Hitch (Apr 25, 2012)

tocqueville said:


> In the past six months a colleague has declined from looking like a marathon runner to looking she just got liberated from Auschwitz. Every time I have to work with her I find myself squirming because she just looks so sick. I'm presuming she has anorexia, although I suppose she could be suffering from some other ailments, but usually people who are sick talk about it at least enough for the rumor mill to do its thing. In her case, there are no rumors, just an awkward collective shaking of the head. We are all wondering the same thing: does one say anything? If so, what? Silence strikes me as immoral.


Agreed, this can be a deadly condition.


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## coynedj (Jun 1, 2008)

If she is like an acquaintance of mine, she will steadfastly deny that she is anorexic or even thin. Anger at your comments would then follow, with the potential for bad consequences of several possible types. CuffDaddy's suggestion of talking with HR is the best action to take.


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

It's best to not say anything just keep comments to oneself.


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## Bjorn (May 2, 2010)

Talk to HR.


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## Tippo (Jul 1, 2012)

It depends on how friendly you are with her ? You could start with a casual " hey, have you lost a bit of weight recently ?" or "whats the secret for staying so nice and slim ?" . Dont say "you look tired" or "are you OK ? "


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## Tippo (Jul 1, 2012)

"anger at comments" mean leave alone. Its interfering with personal matters. She may be ill or receiving treatment and she doesnt need to share it with people


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## Balfour (Mar 23, 2012)

Tippo said:


> It depends on how friendly you are with her ? You could start with a casual... "whats the secret for staying so nice and slim ?" "


^ I suspect this is the last thing in the world to say to someone in this condition (although I have no experience in dealing with it).

Work colleagues are work colleagues, unless you happen to work with a close personal friend. This does not mean one should not treat people at work with compassion or kindness, but people will have very different expectations about what is within acceptable parameters for unsolicited enquiries from colleagues. If I was dealing with a serious personal problem in my life, the last thing I would want to do is have work colleagues trying to 'emote' with me or provide unsolicited assistance. That's just me, but it illustrates one perspective which would not welcome such an equiry. CuffDaddy is right about speaking to HR (or perhaps your line manager) - all sorts of mischief could be read into a well-intentioned enquiry.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

Have you talked with the work center supervisor regarding your concerns. They may very likely already be aware of what the issue may be and will be able to properly guide you as what course of action should be pursued!


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## zzdocxx (Sep 26, 2011)

Pray.


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

I don't think there is anything good that would come of addressing this co-worker directly.

Further, if one does speak to her manager or to HR, it must be done with the understanding that neither is legally permitted to discuss her health issues, so you will have to be satisfied with making your concerns known and not expecting any sort of reply.


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## Regillus (Mar 15, 2011)

tocqueville said:


> In the past six months a colleague has declined from looking like a marathon runner to looking she just got liberated from Auschwitz. Every time I have to work with her I find myself squirming because she just looks so sick. I'm presuming she has anorexia, although I suppose she could be suffering from some other ailments, but usually people who are sick talk about it at least enough for the rumor mill to do its thing. In her case, there are no rumors, just an awkward collective shaking of the head. We are all wondering the same thing: does one say anything? If so, what? Silence strikes me as immoral.


If I were in your shoes; this is what I would do: For just a moment; in a mostly private area; I'd look directly at her and say "Yo!; EAT SOMETHING" and then walk away. There. You've done what you think is right by bringing it up to her. If she chooses to get mad about it - so be it. She'll get over it; and if she really is anorexic; she has bigger problems to deal with. Remember singer Karen Carpenter died of anorexia.


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## smmrfld (May 22, 2007)

^^^If this was an attempt at humor, you've failed miserably.


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## Miket61 (Mar 1, 2008)

Regillus said:


> Remember singer Karen Carpenter died of anorexia.


According to Ray Coleman's book, Karen Carpenter was at a normal weight when she died and had gone onto a maintenance schedule with her therapist. When she returned to California she was determined to prove she was her "old self" again and wore out her weakened heart.

The point being, even being "cured" of anorexia doesn't mean their health isn't still at risk.


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## JerseyJohn (Oct 26, 2007)

It may not be anorexia - it could be a number of other things, even AIDS. I'd leave it alone.


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## Howard (Dec 7, 2004)

JerseyJohn said:


> It may not be anorexia - it could be a number of other things, even AIDS. I'd leave it alone.


Right, you don't want to say anything to offend her best to leave well enough alone.


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## tocqueville (Nov 15, 2009)

I recently attended a workshop with said person. At this point she looks like one of the corpses in that weird show that was touring around with the plasticized, skinless bodies in various poses. Then lunch was brought in. While everyone grabbed a sandwich, she produced a plain yogurt--which I don't think she finished--and a ziplock bag of pretzels and other things that I might give to my kids for a snack. She also took a cookie. She never touched the cookie and just ate a few small pretzels, mostly by breaking them in half and then eating one piece at a time. Sometimes she would put the pretzel piece back in her bag. I'd love to know what was going through her mind. Is this conscious? Does she think she's dieting? Is she actually hungry? Meanwhile, on her ID badge is her photo taken a good 30 lbs ago. Unrecognizable.


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## Canadian (Jan 17, 2008)

I have had relatives that died after a long illness. For example, my grandfather barely ate and pretty much starved to death. This was due to agressive cancer and morphine he was on to control the pain. The morphine controlled the pain, but he had gone from a man who got kicked out of all you can eat buffets, to a gaunt shadow of his former self.

I suspect it's not anorexia. Perhaps your co-worker is suffering from a disease like cancer or some kind of chronic pain. 

There are lots of reasons why one might not eat. In any case, if she wants to talk about it, let her bring it up. Don't assume it's as simple as her not eating. And if it is something like anorexia, it's important to remember, she didn't choose that disease. It's caused by a number of factors, some environmental, some mental, and if she wants to bring it up, let her. Don't try to bully her into eating or watching what she eats.

Thomas


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## 6thFairway (Jul 24, 2012)

I'm going to go out on a limb and disagree with pretty much everybody here. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something if you feel concern.

That something should be said in private, and it should sound something like this:
"Ann, I'm been nervous about whether or not to even bring this up but I'm worried and I felt like I should ask. Are you okay? I noticed you've lost a lot of weight. If you'd like to talk about it, I want you to know I'm available to listen. If not, that's okay too but I hope you're alright."


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## Canadian (Jan 17, 2008)

There are reasons to lose weight other than anorexia nervosa. 

If I were to say anything which set the employee apart, I would be creating what a good lawyer could conceive as a "hostile work environment". 

Look at the other extreme. Suppose she gained fifty pounds in a year. Would you, as a concerned co-worker bring it up? Perhaps she, as somebody who has lost weight she may be ill with any number of unusual conditions which she has no control over.

I have a very dear friend who's about 20 years older than I. His wife has a thyroid condition which makes her tired and lose weight. I know there's a problem, but I'm not her therapist. I am a friend of her husbands.

If I wanted to bring it up, I'd have to remember there are many causes, and none of them are a character flaw. Often, aside from seeking medical treatment, there are few things somebody can do. And spilling their guts to a co-worker who is likely going to treat them as "different" or "special" isnot something they should/would like to do.

Tom


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