# Black Suit, Black Tie to Funeral?



## hansol (Jul 6, 2009)

Hi guys,

Just looking to get a few opinions here. I'm going to be attending a funeral on Thursday where I'll be giving a eulogy for my grandmother. As such, I'll be in front of people, and I want to do this right.

I'm a young guy (24) but was raised with fairly traditional tastes, and as such I was planning on wearing a black suit, white shirt, and a black tie. May or may not wear a linen pocket square with TV fold.

I'm just wondering if the straight black tie with black suit will come across as too overbearing or such? This day isn't supposed to be about me, and I'd rather people be focused on the eulogy rather than my clothes. So like I said, just want to make sure I do this right.

Best regards, and thanks for the help.


----------



## ToryBoy (Oct 13, 2008)

Plain black suit, white shirt with a plain or light/faint pattern black tie is normally my choice.


----------



## Bradman (May 28, 2009)

I wouldn't necessarily go out and buy a black suit for this if you already have a dark navy or dark grey suit. But if you already have a black suit, then this would be a time to pull it out. I'm personally not a fan of black neckties, but if you have something conservative, darker in color, you should be fine. If not, the black necktie would do in a pinch. I would forgo the pocket square in this case though. Not really the most appropriate time in my opinion. Keep it handy though for grieving.


----------



## hansol (Jul 6, 2009)

Yes I suppose I should have clarified that I already have a simple black 2 button suit, so it's not like I'm having to go out and buy one.

The tie, on the other hand, well I don't have a plain black tie, and was planning on going and snagging one. But just wanted to make sure the "plain black with plain black" was alright.


----------



## ZachGranstrom (Mar 11, 2010)

I was with you on everything until you said the pocket square. It just seems that in this situation it might come-off being a tad-bit inappropriate.


----------



## The Rambler (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm with those who'd prefer a conservative, non-black tie, especially from a eulogist. Wear one your granny would have approved of.


----------



## KenR (Jun 22, 2005)

Ditch the black tie. Your not clergy or an undertaker. A fairly somber, conservative, patterned tie is appropriate.


----------



## hansol (Jul 6, 2009)

Awesome, thanks guys. I'll fore-go the pocket square, and will track down a conservative, patterned tie. Any suggestions as to colour? Obviously nothing garish, but any "safe" suggestions?


----------



## Kurt N (Feb 11, 2009)

If it's a Christian funeral, a deep, non-show-offy purple could be very appropriate. This came up in another thread. Purple is traditional at a Roman Catholic funeral. Also purple and black are the colors of Lent, the weeks leading up to Easter during which one is especially conscious of mortality.


----------



## deanayer (Mar 30, 2008)

I would go for a solid gray or charcoal tie or maybe a black and gray striped tie. Avoid anything with shiny silver tones - thats more wedding than funeral.


----------



## David V (Sep 19, 2005)

There is no need to ditch the TV folded pocket square.


----------



## tasteful one (Oct 6, 2006)

*oh...*

Sorry for your loss.

First, do NOT wear a pocket square or cuff links or any bling at all. It looks pretentious and precious and distracts from the somber mood and your purpose in being a eulogist. In terms of tie color/pattern, that's based on how traditional and conservative your family values are (Including the bereaved). If you're from a very conservative sect, get a plain black tie for the even and ge done with it. If, on the other hand, the sadness of the passing is offset by the warmth and happiness of her presence, then you can (and maybe should) wear a tie of her favorite color, and include that statement in your eulogy, maybe as a humorous remark about how much she appreciated the color and what it might have meant for her, and what it symbolizes now.


----------



## Pink and Green (Jul 22, 2009)

Being a minister, the black suit/black tie is appropriate. They might mistake you for one of us, or the boys from the funeral home.

But I thank goodness some of our young men have the good sense to wear black suits to a funeral. I simply cannot believe how many people do not do this.*

*Yes my brain is from 1955, although not my body.


----------



## Lookingforaclue (Nov 10, 2005)

David V said:


> There is no need to ditch the TV folded pocket square.


David is correct. Make it a simple white linen or fine cotton TV fold and have it just peek out of your pocket. This will give your suit just enough (what I would call) dimension,and it won't be too showy.

I'm at the age where I'm pretty well practiced at this. Most of those you see will not be wearing pocket squares because they never do, not because they decided it was inappropriate. If you surveyed them the next day they would probably say that you looked very thoughtfully dressed, but they wouldn't be able to say why!

SRW


----------



## PJC in NoVa (Jan 23, 2005)

You're getting good advice here, and it speaks well of you that you are giving this matter so much attention as a sign of respect and affection for your family and the dear departed.

I understand the liturgical significance of purple at this season of the year, but the problem with a lot of purple ties is that they can look a bit too jewel-toned and flashy for such an occasion.

You don't necessarily need to go with solid black neckwear; any sober tie will do--something in a deep burgundy would be fine. 

And there's nothing disrespectful or "hey, look at me!"-ish about a discreet white p.s.


----------



## RM Bantista (May 30, 2009)

Lookingforaclue said:


> David is correct. Make it a simple white linen or fine cotton TV fold and have it just peek out of your pocket. This will give your suit just enough (what I would call) dimension,and it won't be too showy.
> 
> I'm at the age where I'm pretty well practiced at this. Most of those you see will not be wearing pocket squares because they never do, not because they decided it was inappropriate. If you surveyed them the next day they would probably say that you looked very thoughtfully dressed, but they wouldn't be able to say why!
> 
> SRW


Gentlemen,

Black suit and black tie with plain black shoes and white shirt, black fur felt fedora. Pocket square may be white. Black and white are the best choices, but any dark suit and hat with a black tie will be appropriate.

The point of a eulogy is remembrance and appreciation. That is your main concern. Your grandmother's contribution to the lives of others present being especially important to emphasize.

I appreciate your loss and wish you well.

regards,

rudy


----------



## Cruiser (Jul 21, 2006)

David V said:


> There is no need to ditch the TV folded pocket square.


I agree. Unless it is brightly colored there is nothing at all wrong with a pocket square, and this is coming from someone who seldom wears one. For example, Prince Charles at President Reagan's funeral. Also note the cuff links.










And Senator Kennedy attending the funeral of a soldier killed in the war:










This notion that one should not wear things like pocket squares and cuff links to a funeral is just plain silly. You should dress in a conservative, dignified manner, both of which can be easily accomplished with a pocket square and cuff links. Heck, I know guys who don't even own a dress shirt that doesn't have French Cuffs. There is nothing pretentious about pocket squares and cuff links. Where does this stuff come from?

Cruiser


----------



## amplifiedheat (Jun 9, 2008)

Cruiser said:


> This notion that one should not wear things like pocket squares and cuff links to a funeral is just plain silly. You should dress in a conservative, dignified manner, both of which can be easily accomplished with a pocket square and cuff links.


+1. I would never go to a funeral without a freshly laundered and pressed handkerchief in my front pocket, ready to be offered to the tearful. It's a subtle but fairly powerful gesture.

And, just to prove it beyond doubt, here's Ronald Reagan at the memorial service for the Challenger accident:


----------



## hansol (Jul 6, 2009)

Hey guys,

Once again, I'd just like to thank everyone for the advice being given. As I said, I'm fairly traditional with my suits and tastes, and always tend to wear a pocket square, albeit mainly white linen in a TV fold. But again, it isn't about me and what I feel constitutes proper style. I just don't wish to detract from the service by looking garish and dandy-esque.

I've always felt that proper funeral attire was a black suit, black tie, pressed white cotton shirt, black toecap oxfords, and a slight hint of white linen pocket square, but I felt that this specific funeral isn't quite the right "place" for such a somber/traditional attire, and that I needed to lighten it up a bit. My mum tells me my Granny never liked black at funerals, so you know.

Anyways, again, I appreciate everything that's been said and suggested. I've snagged my tie (flat black silk with slight grey/gold narrow stipes), and am still out on the pocket square. I'll probably just ask my Grandpa if he figures that is a bit "too much" and take his lead.

Edit: Oh and I'd also like to say I do genuinely appreciate the condolences. I know we are all mostly internet randoms to eachother, but nonetheless, it does amaze me how people do show genuine compassion for complete strangers. So again, I really do appreciate it guys. Best regards -Cameron


----------



## Sean1982 (Sep 7, 2009)

hansol said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> Just looking to get a few opinions here. I'm going to be attending a funeral on Thursday where I'll be giving a eulogy for my grandmother. As such, I'll be in front of people, and I want to do this right.
> 
> ...


Sorry for your loss.

Your suggested attire seems totally appropriate to me. I would personally go for a charcoal grey suit (with the white shirt and black tie) if it were me, as I don't wear all black suits and black pin stripe is not appropriate.

I'd suggest that you do wear a black tie, a fitting sign of mourning and respect for your grandmother. I would have been offended if any of the principal mourners at my grandmother's funeral wore coloured ties.

I would also wear a plainly folded white hankie and plain cufflinks (dull slilver or black). I don't have any button cuff shirts and I would suggest a double cuff shirt for a formal and any church occasion anyway.


----------



## Kurt N (Feb 11, 2009)

Sean1982 said:


> I'd suggest that you do wear a black tie, a fitting sign of mourning and respect for your grandmother. I would have been offended if any of the principal mourners at my grandmother's funeral wore coloured ties.


Do leave some room for regional differences. I may be wrong, but I think Canada, esp. western Canada, is closer to the US than to the UK on some of these conventions.


----------



## CuffDaddy (Feb 26, 2009)

tasteful one said:


> First, do NOT wear a pocket square or cuff links or any bling at all.


Rubbish. A white linen (or cotton) PS is not "bling," nor are simple, small cufflinks. The dress of funeral mourners should be somber and dignified. There is nothing festive or frivolous about either a PS or double cuffs.

As for the role of black/grey/navy: In my experience, what matters is not the precise shade, but whether the overall effect is suitably somber. A grey suit with a black tie, or vice versa, is dark enough for any funeral I've ever attended. What matters, obviously, is being there, saying the right things, commisserating and reminiscing with others, etc. Clothes are a truly trivial matter at such times, and being directionally correct is plenty good.

hansol, you have my sympathies for your loss. Small comfort, but nevertheless...


----------



## Orsini (Apr 24, 2007)

Black fih is correct, but I do not recommend either ps or fc for funeral wear in the US these days. You do not want to draw attention to yourself.


----------



## PinkPlaidSocks (May 1, 2008)

Opinions seem to be varying, this is just my two cents:

-Black suit
-Obviously white shirt, black shoes
-Dark but not black tie (navy, dark burgundy, etc) with no or very little pattern
-No pocket square or cuff links

And my condolences for your loss.


----------



## CuffDaddy (Feb 26, 2009)

Orsini said:


> Black fih is correct, but I do not recommend either ps or fc for funeral wear in the US these days. You do not want to draw attention to yourself.


Snarky comment retracted as being perhaps inappropriate for such a serious thread.

I have often seen these items worn at a funeral. Nobody was offended, because neither is festive or frivolous, which is what you want to avoid. If someone at a funeral takes offense at the type of cuff your shirt has, that person should be expelled from the funeral for NOT F***ING GETTING THE POINT... which is not to critique or take umbrage at the clothes of fellow mourners.


----------



## Orsini (Apr 24, 2007)

CuffDaddy said:


> ...


Wrong again...


----------



## Acct2000 (Sep 24, 2005)

The black suit black tie thing is not a disaster, but I think it's a bit theatrical, at least in 2010. Any dark suit with a conservative tie would work.


----------



## CuffDaddy (Feb 26, 2009)

Orsini said:


> Wrong again...


Oh, well _now_ I'm persuaded. And my points (and all the photographic evidence of men of impeccable taste wearing FC and PS at funerals) refuted.


----------



## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

PS, cufflinks, flashy watches, tiepins etc. are inappropriate at funerals in my opinion.

On the subject of colour, as trivia from another country,
the standard in Sweden in recent years has been light to mid grey suits combined with the standard white tie.

In Sweden, at funerals, family and friends wear white ties.

The last 2 funeral I've been to over the last 5 or 6 years all but one of the men were dressed the same: light/mid-grey suit, white tie.

Nowadays the only people wearing black/navy suits or blazers and black ties to Swedish funerals are the people that always wear that rig as a type of church uniform i.e. the church wardens, readers, organists etc.


----------



## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Kurt N said:


> If Purple is traditional at a Roman Catholic funeral.


Really? Where? Is that an American Catholic thing? If you go to a Catholic funeral in Ireland or England you'll be lucky if you see anything other than black ties.

But I agree anyway, especially with Easter upon us that purple would be very appropriate.


----------



## Marcellionheart (Mar 10, 2010)

From my perspective, anything deviating from: 

Black suit
Black tie
White shirt
(cufflinks and pocket square optional)

Would be faux pax. I'm not sure how it is in America, but that's how *everyone* at the last funeral I was at dressed.


----------



## Marcellionheart (Mar 10, 2010)

*double post*


----------



## Kurt N (Feb 11, 2009)

Earl of Ormonde said:


> Really? Where? Is that an American Catholic thing? If you go to a Catholic funeral in Ireland or England you'll be lucky if you see anything other than black ties.
> 
> But I agree anyway, especially with Easter upon us that purple would be very appropriate.


I implied more certitude than I should have. I'm not Catholic myself but was going off a couple older threads on this site, such as this one.

https://askandyaboutclothes.com/community/showthread.php?t=67397&highlight=funeral+purple

EDIT: See next post. Maybe that'll learn me to let those who really should know do the talking.


----------



## David V (Sep 19, 2005)

Earl of Ormonde said:


> Really? Where? Is that an American Catholic thing? If you go to a Catholic funeral in Ireland or England you'll be lucky if you see anything other than black ties.
> 
> But I agree anyway, especially with Easter upon us that purple would be very appropriate.


Never heard of this myself.
And I go back to pre-Vatican II


----------



## Earl of Ormonde (Sep 5, 2008)

Kurt N said:


> I implied more certitude than I should have. I'm not Catholic myself but was going off a couple older threads on this site, such as this one.
> 
> https://askandyaboutclothes.com/community/showthread.php?t=67397&highlight=funeral+purple
> 
> EDIT: See next post. Maybe that'll learn me to let those who really should know do the talking.


No worries Kurt. :icon_smile: That old thread is interesting though & leads me to suspect that the purple tie thing might be as narrow as just Italian-American. Also in that thread, mentioned again is the odd idea that a black tie at a funeral might somehow be considered too much, over the top, theatrical. Before moving to Sweden I always assumed everyone wore a black tie to funerals. The rest of the rig, regardless of colour, style or quality was sufficient as long as it was darkish and plain.
A very small percentage of funerals in England ir Ireland are formal dress affairs in that you won't see a unified group of black suits, black shoes and black overcoats. 
Navy, dark grey, mid grey-blues both suits and blazers and even rain jackets rather than a suit or blazer. But the black tie is ubiquitous.


----------



## Sean1982 (Sep 7, 2009)

I was shocked by the advice given by Orsini. I thought are things really that bad in the US now. I hope Cuff Daddy is right.

Do people in most of the US really not wear black ties to funerals? Every funeral I go to in London is nearly all black ties (at least of the main guests, so at Catholic funerals it is also a mass which anyone can attend you may have other normally dressed parishoners towards the back).

The Earl is right in my view, except about cufflinks. Do people really think that wearing a peroper shirt to a funeral is wrong?


----------



## Joel40R (Dec 27, 2008)

Kurt N said:


> If it's a Christian funeral, a deep, non-show-offy purple could be very appropriate. This came up in another thread. Purple is traditional at a Roman Catholic funeral. Also purple and black are the colors of Lent, the weeks leading up to Easter during which one is especially conscious of mortality.


Very well said Kurt. Also, I have a funeral to go to on Friday and it will be a traditional Roman Catholic funeral. Hence, its black suit and muted purple tie for lent.


----------



## Lookingforaclue (Nov 10, 2005)

Sean1982 said:


> I thought are things really that bad in the US now.


Please refine your viewpoint to "Are things really that different in the US now?"

I would reference the change from black to white vestments in the (more appropriately called) Mass of Christan Burial. At the same time as we recognize grieving and extend consolation, it is also a time of rejoicing. The changes in our dress perhaps reflect some changes in our understanding. We are no longer quite the sad-sacks that we once were, and that perhaps the denizens of our ancestral isles still are.

As is our wont over the last two and a quarter centuries, we take some inspiration from you Brits, and are content to leave some as well!

SRW


----------



## Sean1982 (Sep 7, 2009)

Well considering the tales of shorts and flip flops at other funerals in the US I have heard on this board, you can do whatever you like, and we are not to blame.

The change to white vestments after Vatican II was understandable, and I have no problem with it. But does white vestments mean wear a red tie?


----------



## hansol (Jul 6, 2009)

Hey guys,

Just thought I would give a follow-up.

The service went well. Eulogies are harder than I thought, but it too went over well. 

Regarding dress, I was probably "over-dressed" (not that I care), even without a pocket square (forgot it at home before the trip up). Most people were wearing sports jackets with grey and blue trousers. Women were in everything except black. My sister and I seemed to be the only ones in black.

Speaking as a family member of the deceased, it honestly didn't matter though. I could care less about what other people were wearing that day. It was more important that the people were there to pay their respects than to fuss over the colour of their ties. It was hard enough as it was...


----------

