# How break up with my girlfried as gently as possible...



## ThomasK (Jul 7, 2010)

I have been stupid, and I started dating a girl even though I knew from the beginning there was no chance of it being a long-term relationship. 
We've been "officially" dating for only a month or two, but we've known each other for several months. I like her as a friend, and I am physically attracted to her, but I let the latter get the better of me. Unfortunately, she seems quite taken with me. I realize this makes me a giant @(#*$* and it's an exceptionally un-gentlemanly thing to have led her on at all. But it has already happened, so there's nothing that can done about it now, other than to learn my lesson going forward. (If you couldn't tell, I've had very few relationships, so I've had very little experience managing relationships). 

At this point, I think it is better to end the relationship soon, rather than to let it keep going. I want to let her down as gently as possible, which I know might not really be possible. She's going to be hurt. How do I help minimize it? 

I'm terrified of the question "why?" Part of me feels she deserves an answer, but I don't know how or whether to tell her the truth because I'm afraid that will hurt her more. I don't want her to feel like I'm saying there's something "wrong" with her. 

Any words of advice or insights would be greatly appreciated.


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## sbdivemaster (Nov 13, 2011)

Well, what is the truth? Why don't you wish to continue your relationship?


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

There is always the tried and trusted option of acting like a total arse until she finishes the relationship. 

Or - have sex with her mother and get found out, that tends to bring a relationship to an abrupt conclusion. 

Let me know how you get on. :icon_smile:


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## Langham (Nov 7, 2012)

Shaver's given you one or two useful pointers. The kindest way is probably to lie - just think of something, anything. Girls are far more resilient than you seem to give them credit for.


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## Shoe City Thinker (Oct 8, 2012)

"Regrettably I'm reconsidering this relationship and I need to move on" You short-term are going to be a d-bag in her eyes so best to end it with as little drama and gentlemanly grace as possible. Hopefully she will forgive and forget. Not really advised to "just be friends" afterwards because intimacy nearly always complicates the relationship. The "just friends" post intimate relationship does happen but very rare.


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## ThomasK (Jul 7, 2010)

sbdivemaster said:


> Well, what is the truth? Why don't you wish to continue your relationship?


Well, there's a couple things. The biggest one is that I'm troubled by her lack of ambition / long-term planning / goals / responsibility. And she's older than me by several years, so it's not something I expect her to "grow out" of. I am admittedly a workaholic, and I have a hard time with her apparent desire to just goof off all the time, and never work toward anything. Even if she had some "cause" to save the whales or whatever to devote herself to, or had a plan to retire early and travel the world, I'd be OK with that. But she just kind of "floats" around with seemingly no real plan or goal, or anything else, other than to just *not* work.

I'd like to be with someone who I respect and admire for intelligence and drive.

Haha, I've considered Shaver's #1. But I'm afraid she'd put up with far more crap than she really ought to, or I am willing to engage in.


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## gaseousclay (Nov 8, 2009)

ThomasK said:


> Well, there's a couple things. The biggest one is that I'm troubled by her lack of ambition / long-term planning / goals / responsibility. And she's older than me by several years, so it's not something I expect her to "grow out" of. I am admittedly a workaholic, and I have a hard time with her apparent desire to just goof off all the time, and never work toward anything. Even if she had some "cause" to save the whales or whatever to devote herself to, or had a plan to retire early and travel the world, I'd be OK with that. But she just kind of "floats" around with seemingly no real plan or goal, or anything else, other than to just *not* work.
> 
> I'd like to be with someone who I respect and admire for intelligence and drive.


and I thought you wanted to break up with her because she had a moustache or some weird back hair :icon_smile_wink:


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

Honesty really is the best policy, particularly in a case such as ThomasK describes. The facts of the matter are clear...he acted in the manner of an arrogant, shallow, and selfish *****. Being anything less than totally honest at this point in the relationship (if we can call it that), simply underscores that reality. My advice: Be a man, grow a set and tell her the truth, closing it out with a heartfelt apology. If it makes you uncomfortable doing that, good. Perhaps there is some hope for you after all!


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## MaxBuck (Apr 4, 2013)

So you've slept with a chick whom you like but don't love, and whom you also don't respect.

Gee, I thought this was the way of the world. You're not obligated to do anything here; tell her no lies, but I see no reason to disclose everything you think about her. Letting her know you think she really ought to start thinking about what she wants to be when she grows up might do her a service, though.

I also would quit beating yourself up about this. She's a big girl; unless you've somehow coerced her into bed, you've done nothing really wrong. She's responsible for her own decisions, including that of sticking with you.


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## Tilton (Nov 27, 2011)

My only advice is to be up front without being insulting. You never know, your words might make her change. Would things be different if she was more driven? Because the thought of you leaving her might bring out some drive - how would that change your outlook on her? That said, in 6 months when she's killing it at her new job and a totally different person, don't expect her take you back.

From personal experience, the whole acting-like-a-jerk plan has always worked for me, but it isn't always the most appropriate method - that depends on her. I once did the act-like-a-jerk but only with about 60% effort. Results were quite opposite of what I was expecting.


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## Chouan (Nov 11, 2009)

If her lack of ambition and a work ethic that matches yours is the problem, tell her that. She'll either try to fit in with your requirements, which might solve your problem, at least temporarily, or she'll think you patronising and annoying, and the relationship will end itself, leaving you in the clear.....


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## Tiger (Apr 11, 2010)

eagle2250 said:


> Honesty really is the best policy, particularly in a case such as ThomasK describes. The facts of the matter are clear...he acted in the manner of an arrogant, shallow, and selfish *****. Being anything less than totally honest at this point in the relationship (if we can call it that), simply underscores that reality. My advice: Be a man, grow a set and tell her the truth, closing it out with a heartfelt apology. If it makes you uncomfortable doing that, good. Perhaps there is some hope for you after all!


Strongly agree with this, and would add Tilton's point about not being insulting to her...


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

MaxBuck said:


> So you've slept with a chick whom you like but don't love, and whom you also don't respect.
> 
> Gee, I thought this was the way of the world. You're not obligated to do anything here; tell her no lies, but I see no reason to disclose everything you think about her. Letting her know you think she really ought to start thinking about what she wants to be when she grows up might do her a service, though.
> 
> I also would quit beating yourself up about this. She's a big girl; *unless you've somehow coerced her into bed, you've done nothing really wrong*. She's responsible for her own decisions, including that of sticking with you.


Interesting. What counts as coercion?


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## AaroninOC (Sep 1, 2013)

Any use of Rohypnol would count.



Shaver said:


> Interesting. What counts as coercion?


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

AaroninOC said:


> Any use of Rohypnol would count.


Except the lady would not remember the *ahem* relationship so there would be no requirement to end it.


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## sbdivemaster (Nov 13, 2011)

Gotta agree with letting her know the truth. Just let it go with something like the two of you are not really compatible, maybe some highlights from your list above. Maybe she will change (if you are interested in that), and if not, you've been forthright and should just move on.

*EDIT: *On the other hand, perhaps you are what she needs to get herself in gear. You seem to show some care for her, perhaps she needs some encouragement to get some direction. You're the one who knows what her reaction will be and whether she's capable of getting more focused. And, whether you want to take on that role in a relationship.

Keep us posted.


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## ThomasK (Jul 7, 2010)

Thanks all for the feedback and advice. Rest assured gents, there was no coercion of any kind. 

The deed has been done. I told her I care about her and genuinely enjoy spending time with her, but that I didn't think we are compatible in the long-term, and thought it was better to say so sooner rather than later. I mentioned the work ethic thing in terms of: "As you know, I'm a workaholic, and work and career are important to me, and something that I value. And although I understand that not everyone values that..." and she basically stopped me there, and I think got what I was saying. Fortunately, I didn't have to say anything further. I don't think she'd change, and given her reaction of basically accepting what I was saying, I don't think she thinks that's something she can or will or wants to change either. 

I guess it went as well as breaking up ever can. I do feel bad. It is 100% true that I enjoyed hanging out with her, at least for things like outdoors stuff. She's in better shape and more adventurous with that sort of thing than most girls I know. But I couldn't imagine living with her or getting married or anything like that. I know she's upset and pissed right now. And we may never be able to be "just friends." Which is too bad, if that's the way it's going to be.


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## Chouan (Nov 11, 2009)

Ex girlfriends are almost never "friends" after the break up. It may be possible, I suppose.


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Chouan said:


> Ex girlfriends are almost never "friends" after the break up. It may be possible, I suppose.


I am deeply suspicious of folk who are capable of remaining friends in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown. A very unwholesome business indeed.


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## eagle2250 (Mar 24, 2006)

^^+1. LOL.
Oddly I find myself reminded of the actress Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction..."Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" Were I ThomasK, I would be watching my Six!


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## ThomasK (Jul 7, 2010)

Remaining friends may or may not be possible in this case. Which truly does sadden me, because she is (or I guess was) a good friend. I am still friends with another ex, so I know it is sometimes possible. But that relationship was not as "intense" as this one was. In this case, it will take some time, if it ever happens. I don't think she'll go nuts, but I suppose one never knows. I'll check my tires regularly.


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## Reuben (Aug 28, 2013)

I've tried to remain "friends" with exes after they became exes. Inevitably, things either get physical, or angry, or angry then physical. It wouldn't really be fair to her, either, as you said she fell for you pretty hard? Then she needs time to get over her feelings.


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## Pentheos (Jun 30, 2008)

There's a reason my exes are exes. I don't speak to any of them.


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Reuben said:


> I've tried to remain "friends" with exes after they became exes. *Inevitably, things either get physical, or angry, or angry then physical*. It wouldn't really be fair to her, either, as you said she fell for you pretty hard? Then she needs time to get over her feelings.


Are we talking about a good backhander or lovemaking here? :confused2:


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## Reuben (Aug 28, 2013)

Shaver said:


> Are we talking about a good backhander or lovemaking here? :confused2:


Intimate, then.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Shaver (May 2, 2012)

Phew! :icon_smile:


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## Tilton (Nov 27, 2011)

Shaver said:


> Are we talking about a good backhander or lovemaking here? :confused2:


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## Reuben (Aug 28, 2013)

Pentheos said:


> There's a reason my exes are exes. I don't speak to any of them.


That too. Plus, in one special case, she's a Georgia Tech fan. I shoulda known that was doomed from the beginning.


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## WouldaShoulda (Aug 5, 2009)

ThomasK said:


> I know she's upset and pissed right now. And we may never be able to be "just friends." Which is too bad, if that's the way it's going to be.


Burn every bridge, keep a low profile and hope she never sees or finds you again.

Works for me!!


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## mcfrankshc (Dec 8, 2013)

Tell her honestly is your best bet. To be frank, you should not have stared this relationship in the first place, though I understand that it is tempting. Too many girls get hurt this way.


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## dwebber18 (Jun 5, 2008)

Sounds like you handled this about as well as it could have been. You had a genuine grievance that kept you from fully investing in the relationship for the long term and I respect that you were able to realize that and decide to move on before it cost too much more time. Finances and work ethic are some of the most important parts of a good relationship. I don't mean to say you both have to make a ton of money but you don't want to feel like you're doing all the work either. People just want different things and that's why there are so many different people. As for the friends thing, my dad is still very good friends with an ex 50 years later. I don't know how that worked out but it does. Personally I do not speak to anyone I used to date, it's not that we are on bad terms our lives just moved in different directions and we saw no need to bring the relationship in any form a long. Dating a few girls in college and having to see them on a regular basis I would recommend being cordial and gentlemanly when you see her especially if you have common friends. There is no reason you can't be friendly but treat her more as an acquaintance than a friend or you'll end up sending mixed signals and you'll end up being a jerk. I know it's all very emotional but if you stay rational it will work out better for you and probably her in the long run, better to break up now than be in an unhappy marriage 10 years down the road with kids and stuff possibly. When she finds the person she truly wants to be with she will look back and understand that breaking up with you was the right move and she is happier now. Assuming she is reasonably rational she won't hold any long term resentment to you once she sees how it works out.


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